9539 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate. George Burns

Success Love Failure You Hate Better Think Honestly Something Than

You never know what people will choose to be offended by. Gilbert Gottfried

You People Offended Will Never Know Choose

I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change. Greg Behrendt

You Change Yourself Problem Better Mirror Think Pants Way Out See Dress Superficial Lead Haircut Feel New Look Make Because Real Than Person Any Different Different Person Therapist Pair

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. Groucho Marx

Mother Would Given Had She Been Children Anything Loved

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. Henny Youngman

Great Yesterday Took Seven Horse Horses Beat Him Played

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. Henny Youngman

You Human Being Personality Nice Human Being

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Jack Benny

You Age Matter Mind Strictly Case Over

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most. Jay Leno

Beer People Wine Down Bone Says Drink Week Highest Most Least Falling Density Times Elderly Four Nebraska Need University

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously. Jay Leno

Work Good Good Work Everyone About Like Know Anonymously Doing America

There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. Jeff Garlin

Funny You People Treat Funny People Laugh Only Superpower True Make Human Being Human Beings Being Funny Them Beings Amongst Differently

I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever. Jim Carrey

Love Somebody Possible Know Forever Just Want To Love Really Ever

There's always going to be someone out there... who doesn't believe in you or who thinks your head is too big or you're not smart enough. But those are the people you need to ignore, and those are the times you need to just keep doing what you love doing. Jimmy Fallon

Love You People Smart Big Believe Too Enough Those Out Someone Head Always Doing Times What You Love Going Just Your Ignore Who Keep Thinks Need

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Will Had Surgery Die Donate Much Body Plastic Plastic Surgery

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers

Home Property Hell House She Mother-In-Law Said Off Get Her

Well, the most terrible fear that anybody should have is not war, is not a disease, not cancer or heart problems or food poisoning - it's a man or a woman without a sense of humor. Jonathan Winters

War Food Man Woman Heart Sense Of Humor Fear Cancer Problems Humor Sense Poisoning Most Well Terrible Without Disease Anybody Should

Hate speech and freedom of speech are two different things. Leslie Jones

Freedom Hate Freedom Of Speech Different Different Things Things Two Speech

Quotes by Comedians