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Joan Rivers Quotes
Joan Rivers Quotes
Joan Rivers
American
Comedian
Born:
Jun 8
,
1933
Died:
Sep 4
,
2014
Funny
Life
Me
People
Think
You
Related authors:
George Carlin
Groucho Marx
Milton Berle
Mitch Hedberg
Robin Williams
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
W. C. Fields
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers
Today
Wisdom
God
History
Gift
Tomorrow
Yesterday
Mystery
Call
Why
Present
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
Life
Funny
You
Life Is Hard
Better
Tough
Down
Other
Otherwise
Everything
Laugh
Darling
Shake
Part
Reminding
Like
Looks
Up
Tube
Going
Being
Being Funny
Act
Meant
Hard
Things
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
Funny
You
Hate
Later
Months
Over
Make
Housework
Beds
Six
Dishes
Again
Start
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
Life
Funny
Calm
Down
Enjoy
Everyone
About
Wrong
Wrong Things
Calm Down
Goes
Gets
Upset
Next
Fast
Things
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers
Life
Good
You
Good Things
Enjoy Life
Care
Bad Things
Enjoy
Alive
Bad
dont Care
Happening
Means
Things
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
Funny
God
Bend
He
Put
Over
Diamonds
Wanted
Us
Floor
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers
Funny
Me
You
Will
Equal
Partners
Sixty
Forty
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
Funny
Unwanted
Baby
Bath
Saw
Knew
Toys
Were
Toaster
Radio
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
Fitness
Time
First
Consider
See
Smiling
First Time
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers
Life
Me
Man
Woman
Blame
Mother
Sex
Husband
Three
Slept
Top
She
Underneath
Beds
Years
Bunk
Goes
Poor
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Joan Rivers
Will
Had
Surgery
Die
Donate
Much
Body
Plastic
Plastic Surgery
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Joan Rivers
Home
Property
Hell
House
She
Mother-In-Law
Said
Off
Get
Her
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
God
Me
Bend
Would
Had
He
Put
Over
Diamonds
Wanted
Floor
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers
Happiness
You
People
Money
Key
Made
Enough
Enough Money
Say
People Say
Always
Figured
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Joan Rivers
Love
Husband
Before
Pain
Killer
Takes
Make
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
Saying
Thinking
Else
Everyone
Everyone Else
Succeeded
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers
Else
Our
Top
Strive
Like
Mix
Lot
Oil
Anything
Anything Else
Us
Natures
Swim
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Joan Rivers
Covers
Flabby
Stomach
Them
Fortunately
Thighs
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers
Man
Woman
Mistakes
Nineteen
She
Around
Makes
Questions
Tramp
Asked
Twenty
Sleep
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
Joan Rivers
Funny
Happy
Think
Perfectly
Particularly
Anyone
Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.
Joan Rivers
Reading
Pleasure
Should
Chore
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
Joan Rivers
You
Jokes
Memory
People
Remember
Back
Say
Frank
Those
Alive
About
Anne
Sure
Makes
Nonsense
Lot
Happened
Process
Story
Helps
Serious
Keep
Her
Bringing
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.
Joan Rivers
Funny
Today
Saying
Me
You
People
Doctor
Wonderful
Comedy
Mother
Father
Made
Think
Laugh
He
Come
Know
She
Always
Still
Truly
Up
Very
Die
Died
Being
Being Funny
Your
Helped
Dad
Her
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
Joan Rivers
You
Joke
Laugh
Make
Comics
Get
Then
Us
Apologize
Watch
Here
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
Joan Rivers
You
Little Things
Surgeon
Car
Girl
Three
Every
Once
Would
Poster
Never
Had
He
Like
Became
Surgery
Go
Years
Friend
Maybe
Little
Then
Your
Full
Tweak
Who
Plastic
Plastic Surgeon
Plastic Surgery
Thing
Things
Here
Two
I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.
Joan Rivers
Party
Before
Say
Out
Go
Get
Hello
Butterflies
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