78 Joan Rivers Quotes for You to Enjoy

Joan Rivers

American Comedian

Born: Jun 8, 1933

Died: Sep 4, 2014

Funny Life Me People Think You

Related authors: George Carlin Groucho Marx Milton Berle Mitch Hedberg Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield Steven Wright W. C. Fields

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Life Funny You Life Is Hard Better Tough Down Other Otherwise Everything Laugh Darling Shake Part Reminding Like Looks Up Tube Going Being Being Funny Act Meant Hard Things

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny God Bend He Put Over Diamonds Wanted Us Floor

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers

Funny Me You Will Equal Partners Sixty Forty

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny Unwanted Baby Bath Saw Knew Toys Were Toaster Radio

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Fitness Time First Consider See Smiling First Time

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Life Me Man Woman Blame Mother Sex Husband Three Slept Top She Underneath Beds Years Bunk Goes Poor

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Will Had Surgery Die Donate Much Body Plastic Plastic Surgery

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers

Home Property Hell House She Mother-In-Law Said Off Get Her

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Joan Rivers

Smart Enough Through Opened Go Any Door

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. Joan Rivers

Love Husband Before Pain Killer Takes Make

I hate reality shows that are not reality. Joan Rivers

Reality Hate Reality Shows Shows

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party. Joan Rivers

Me People Party See Invitation Always Shocked Get

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers

Saying Thinking Else Everyone Everyone Else Succeeded

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan Rivers

Telephone More Directory Than Chinese Taylor Elizabeth Elizabeth Taylor

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers

Covers Flabby Stomach Them Fortunately Thighs

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. Joan Rivers

Funny Happy Think Perfectly Particularly Anyone

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I. Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes

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