Quotes by Comedians

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

Morning You Tomorrow Sorry Late Something Going Tonight Sleep

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Funny Confused Evil Become Way House Forces May Your

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White

Life Funny You Try Somebody Party Believe Find Given Vodka Gives Make Lemonade Lemons Them Should Whose

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. Robin Williams

You Sorry Were Agree Right

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. Milton Berle

You Man Congress Think Lead Make Him

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx

Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. Ellen DeGeneres

Kindness Me You Honesty People Equality Compassion Values Way Those Traditional Traditional Values Want Stand Helping Here Treated Treating Need

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. P. J. O'Rourke

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields

Funny Food Sometimes Wine Add Cook Even Relatable

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx

Life You Honesty Made Secret Fair Dealing Got Fake The Secret Of

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

Funny Nothing Rush Hour Call Moves Why

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. Robin Williams

You Madness Lose Given Only Little Spark

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

Word Another Thesaurus

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old. George Burns

You Getting Older Old Older Get Getting Help

Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place. Josh Billings

Good Laughter Feeling Feeling Good Over Principally Sensation Place Showing

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. Ellen DeGeneres

Funny Bullying You People Be Kind Comedy Humor Somebody Example Feelings Else Way Laugh Kind Find Hurting Major Most Make Without Getting Expense Just Want Form Based

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Groucho Marx

Life Man Women Fate Own Control Him Does His