George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin
George Carlin
American Comedian
Born: May 12, 1937
Died: Jun 22, 2008
Death People Think Time Work You
Related authors: Groucho Marx Milton Berle Mitch Hedberg Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield Steven Wright W. C. Fields
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin
Funny Confused Evil Become Way House Forces May Your
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin
You Idiot Faster Slower Driving Than Going Anybody Anyone Maniac Noticed Ever
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin
You Freak Born Ticket America Get Front Show Seat Row
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin
Funny You Soul Roof Stuck Up Die Goes Gets Your Belief
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin
Christmas Girl Live Bad Bad Girls Jolly Main He Main Reason Knows Because Where Santa Reason
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin
Moon Nights Silent Only Wolves
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin
Me Defeat Bookstore Section Would Purpose She Self-Help Said Asked
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. George Carlin
Work Time People Some People Dream See Some Never Go Were Ask Why Why Not Things
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin
Death Together Church Own Separation Enough State Church And State Favor Both Idea Institutions Up Screw Them Us Certain Two
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin
Work People Money Enough Enough Money Fired Most Get Quit Just Paid Hard
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin
Truth Communication Language Tool Concealing Large
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
Family Argument Nice Every Other Ate Restaurant Table Had Real Going Night
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin
Time You People Job Somewhere Fire Enough Those Some Someone Over Know Said Proves Existence Very Close Get Done Just Want Themselves Set
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin
Alone Universe Settled Our Say Rather True Very Little Low Then Species
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin
Me Bible People Older Thinking Final Exam About Seem More Dawned Read How Lot Get Then Whole
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. George Carlin
People Care Desperate Think Say dont Care Who
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? George Carlin
Language Could Longest Am Sentence Shortest English English Language
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George Carlin
You Feeling Eating Know Odd Sitting Candy Bar Chocolate Toilet
Always do whatever's next. George Carlin
Whatever Always Next
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin
Day You Says All Day Someone Impatient Always Got How Wonder
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin
Myself Only Talk Accept Answers Reason Whose
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. George Carlin
About Only Know Did Going
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin
Group Member Would Guy Never Nailed Pieces Wood Want Whose Symbol Two
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin
You Travel Before Does Get Mean
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George Carlin
Freedom Fight Crime Fire Mention Never Part Well Us Fighters
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George Carlin
People Believe Authority Just Much Pope Who Many
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