9539 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. Henny Youngman

Travel Took Back Pleasure Airport Trip Mother-In-Law Got Just

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. Jeff Foxworthy

Education You Pickup Spent More Truck Redneck Than May Your

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. Jerry Seinfeld

Christmas Me People Other Spirit True True Spirit Than Being Helped

When I write, I lose time. I'm happy in a way that I have a hard time finding in real life. The intimacy between my brain and my fingers and my computer... Yet knowing that that intimacy will find an audience... It's very satisfying. It's like having the safety of being alone with the ego reward of being known. Jill Soloway

Life Alone Time Happy Ego Safety Reward Will Lose Real Life Intimacy Way Find Finding Fingers Having Computer Write Between Like Knowing Known Audience Real Brain Very Being Being Alone Hard Hard Time Satisfying

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Fitness Time First Consider See Smiling First Time

I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel for false values. Lenny Bruce

Doctor World Surgeon Values Sick Scalpel Comedian False

There are never enough I Love You's. Lenny Bruce

Love You Enough Never

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. Lewis Black

You Liar Do You Know Know Meteorologist Means English

Well, just being stupid and politically incorrect doesn't work. You can be politically incorrect if you're smart. Mel Brooks

Work You Smart Stupid Well Politically Politically Incorrect Just Being Incorrect

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it. Mike Myers

You Fatherhood Tells Greatest Greatest Thing Anyone Happen Who Thing

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg

Back Remix Normal

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. Mort Sahl

Conservatives Everything Liberals Possessions Feel Unworthy Stolen Deserve

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present. P. J. O'Rourke

You Gossip Say About Objects Flattery Present

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons

Kids Unprotected Never Leaves Hand Your Raise

Missing out an apostrophe or two does not make you an idiot. But equating party allegiance with nationhood certainly makes you a thug. And thugs don't often notice that they're thugs, usually because they're also idiots. Robert Webb

You Thug Party Idiot Out Allegiance Thugs Missing Also Make Because Makes Does Idiots Often Notice Certainly Two

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. Robin Williams

Gay Other Furniture Broke Had Burglar Night

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield

Life Sex

The clear problem of the outlawing of insult is that too many things can be interpreted as such. Criticism, ridicule, sarcasm, merely stating an alternative point of view to the orthodoxy, can be interpreted as insult. Rowan Atkinson

Problem Criticism Too Stating Point Point Of View Clear Merely Alternative Insult View Sarcasm Many Ridicule Things Interpreted Orthodoxy

It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. Russell Brand

My disability exists not because I use a wheelchair, but because the broader environment isn't accessible. Stella Young

Broader Disability Environment Because Accessible Exists Wheelchair Use

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright

Funny Batteries Some Bought Were Included

Quotes by Comedians