Phyllis Diller Quotes

Phyllis Diller
American Comedian
Born: Jul 17, 1917
Died: Aug 20, 2012
About Down Know Old You Your
Related authors: George Carlin Groucho Marx Milton Berle Mitch Hedberg Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield Steven Wright W. C. Fields
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller
Funny You Take Take A Chance Housework Why Chance
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller
Afford Move Children Want Them Then Things
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller
Thanksgiving Cooking Thought Kids Bad Commemorate Harbor Pearl Pearl Harbor
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller
Christmas Day Job Looking About Like Parties Office Next
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller
Cleaning Walk Before Kids Like House Still Up Snowing Stops While Your Growing Growing Up
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller
Funny Time Day Gin Only Steam Only Time Got Accidentally Iron Ironing Ever Enjoyed
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. Phyllis Diller
You Old Shoes Barefoot Compliments Someone Alligator Know Your
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Phyllis Diller
Women Would Wear Outfit Never Football Because Same Public Them Reason Play Play Football
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller
You Aim Aim High High Foot Off Shoot Your
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller
Business Anger Frustration Down Recipe Rant Minutes About Simmer Kitchen Rave Cry Dealing Sound Go Timer Usual Twenty Bell Set
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
You Man Age Will Beauty Whatever Own Eyesight Marry Fades Like Look His May Your
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Phyllis Diller
Work You Advice Follow Only Bottle Children Keep Away
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Phyllis Diller
Three Grass He Hours Fresh Said Waiter Lady Asked Milk
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Phyllis Diller
Pain Beneath Out Trick Had Knee Mother-In-Law Left Turned Her
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
Teacher Walk First Sit Down Our Spend Months Telling Talk Up Children Them Next Teaching Twelve Lives Shut Shut Up
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller
Funny Best Way Out Best Way Eat Kitchen Get Rid
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Phyllis Diller
Home Will Rest Be Nice Nice Because Always Children Your Choose Who
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. Phyllis Diller
Me Better Become Totally More Knew Instinctively Wanted Right
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller
Sex Drive Tremendous Admit Boyfriend Miles Forty Away Lives
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Phyllis Diller
Years Ironing Behind Eighteen
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis Diller
Mistake Made Men Bachelor Once Guy Never Same Who
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller
Home Parenting Parents Run Threaten Some Only Most Times Going Children The Only Thing Away Keeps Thing
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. Phyllis Diller
Back Yard Lot Ironing Buried
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. Phyllis Diller
You Down Laughing Tells See Head Him Real Pro Real Reason Your Reason Keep
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. Phyllis Diller
Say Well Learn Audience How Get Hello Thing Last Career

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