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Phyllis Diller Quotes
Phyllis Diller Quotes
Phyllis Diller
American
Comedian
Born:
Jul 17
,
1917
Died:
Aug 20
,
2012
About
Down
Know
Old
You
Your
Related authors:
George Carlin
Groucho Marx
Milton Berle
Mitch Hedberg
Robin Williams
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
W. C. Fields
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Funny
You
Take
Take A Chance
Housework
Why
Chance
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Afford
Move
Children
Want
Them
Then
Things
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
Thanksgiving
Cooking
Thought
Kids
Bad
Commemorate
Harbor
Pearl
Pearl Harbor
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
Christmas
Day
Job
Looking
About
Like
Parties
Office
Next
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning
Walk
Before
Kids
Like
House
Still
Up
Snowing
Stops
While
Your
Growing
Growing Up
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
Funny
Time
Day
Gin
Only
Steam
Only Time
Got
Accidentally
Iron
Ironing
Ever
Enjoyed
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
You
Old
Shoes
Barefoot
Compliments
Someone
Alligator
Know
Your
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller
Women
Would
Wear
Outfit
Never
Football
Because
Same
Public
Them
Reason
Play
Play Football
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller
You
Aim
Aim High
High
Foot
Off
Shoot
Your
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
Business
Anger
Frustration
Down
Recipe
Rant
Minutes
About
Simmer
Kitchen
Rave
Cry
Dealing
Sound
Go
Timer
Usual
Twenty
Bell
Set
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
You
Man
Age
Will
Beauty
Whatever
Own
Eyesight
Marry
Fades
Like
Look
His
May
Your
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
Work
You
Advice
Follow
Only
Bottle
Children
Keep
Away
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Teacher
Walk
First
Sit
Down
Our
Spend
Months
Telling
Talk
Up
Children
Them
Next
Teaching
Twelve
Lives
Shut
Shut Up
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
Home
Will
Rest
Be Nice
Nice
Because
Always
Children
Your
Choose
Who
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
Back
Yard
Lot
Ironing
Buried
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller
You
Down
Laughing
Tells
See
Head
Him
Real
Pro
Real Reason
Your
Reason
Keep
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Phyllis Diller
Say
Well
Learn
Audience
How
Get
Hello
Thing
Last
Career
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