Phyllis Diller Quotes

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller

American Comedian

Born: Jul 17, 1917

Died: Aug 20, 2012

About Down Know Old You Your

Related authors: George Carlin Groucho Marx Milton Berle Mitch Hedberg Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield Steven Wright W. C. Fields

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

Funny You Take Take A Chance Housework Why Chance

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller

Afford Move Children Want Them Then Things

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller

Thanksgiving Cooking Thought Kids Bad Commemorate Harbor Pearl Pearl Harbor

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller

Christmas Day Job Looking About Like Parties Office Next

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. Phyllis Diller

You Old Shoes Barefoot Compliments Someone Alligator Know Your

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller

You Aim Aim High High Foot Off Shoot Your

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Phyllis Diller

Work You Advice Follow Only Bottle Children Keep Away

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Phyllis Diller

Three Grass He Hours Fresh Said Waiter Lady Asked Milk

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Phyllis Diller

Pain Beneath Out Trick Had Knee Mother-In-Law Left Turned Her

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller

Teacher Walk First Sit Down Our Spend Months Telling Talk Up Children Them Next Teaching Twelve Lives Shut Shut Up

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller

Funny Best Way Out Best Way Eat Kitchen Get Rid

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. Phyllis Diller

Good Beauty Skin Only Good Thing Deep Rotten Thing Core

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. Phyllis Diller

Me Better Become Totally More Knew Instinctively Wanted Right

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller

Sex Drive Tremendous Admit Boyfriend Miles Forty Away Lives

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Phyllis Diller

Years Ironing Behind Eighteen

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis Diller

Mistake Made Men Bachelor Once Guy Never Same Who

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. Phyllis Diller

Back Yard Lot Ironing Buried

My father used to call me the laughing hyena. Phyllis Diller

Me Father Laughing Hyena Call Used

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