Quotes by Comedians

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! Jay Leno
Today Day Valentines Day Men Valentine Like Call
It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left? Jim Carrey
Wisdom Death Dreams You Surrender Better Starving Give Risk Left Up Then Your Your Dreams
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. Lenny Bruce
God Day Every Day People Church Every Back Going Away
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. Mitch Hedberg
Crazy You Drive Dancer Would Could Morse Understand Tap Code Imagine
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations. Red Skelton
Happiness Sad Life Me You Sadness Unhappy Laughter Live Laugh Out Brought Instead Look Around Always Situations Little
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? Robin Williams
Funny Phone Psychic Phone Number Network Why Number Need
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' Rodney Dangerfield
God Me Ugly Beat He Know Make Said Yeah Bartender Zombie
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Respect Politician Luck Way Would Would-Be Running No Respect Get Honest
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield
Drinking Taking Know Coming Juice Prune Going Viagra
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. Rodney Dangerfield
Me Cat Covering Up Sandbox Played Kept
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say 'no.' But saying 'yes' begins things. Saying 'yes' is how things grow. Stephen Colbert
Wisdom Saying Hurt World Will Rejection Say Furthest Disappoint Learn Because Blindness Always How Yes Begins Afraid Anything Us Cynicism Cynics Grow Thing Things
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' Steven Wright
Work Me You Doctor Better Pay Out Shape Better Shape Until Him Send Work Out Bill Right
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright
Time Coffee Back Instant Put Almost Oven Microwave
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. W. C. Fields
Remember Live Takes Dead Fish Upstream Swim Float Downstream
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. W. C. Fields
Man Met Would Put Over His Turn Themselves Popcorn Ever Pancakes
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. W. C. Fields
You Woman Cold Out Marry Outdoors Throw She Yard Still Survive Then Her Night
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. Bob Hope
People Hopelessly Kisses Throw Lazy Who
Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten. Dick Gregory
Relationship Marriage Political Made Promises Beginning Between Voter Like Vows Quickly Candidate Forgotten Much
Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. Ellen DeGeneres
Cheese Nothing Says Log Like Holidays
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. George Burns
You First Down Finally Faces Names Up Forget Then Next Your Zipper Pull
When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half. Gracie Allen
Mother Dinner Half Enough Only Had She Make Mother's Day Get Just Serve
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. Henny Youngman
Man Doctor Pay Live Gave Months He Him Another His Six Bill
We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. Jerry Seinfeld
Good Great Problems Coffee Delightful Shape Stuff Lot Cup Get Want Little Depressed Night Sleep
I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, 'Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.' Jim Carrey
Beautiful Good Morning You Garden Remember Wake Up Coffee Lose Sit Out Some Mornings Look Because How Go Wake Up
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. Milton Berle
Once Has-Been Rather Never Reaching Because Been Than Maybe Cannot Might Far Who Star
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
Life Love Great You Marriage Rest Married Find Annoy Person Being Want Your Special Special Person
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