9539 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck. Jackie Mason

Down Run He Truck Gets Englishman

The Internet gave us access to everything; but it also gave everything access to us. James Veitch

Internet Gave Everything Also Access Us

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza! Jay Leno

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality. Jay London

Me Personality Down Girlfriend Dating Bought She Said Fit Jacket

I think all the garbage in the world is thanks to a very small handful of idiots. Jeff Dunham

World Thanks Garbage Think Small Idiots Handful Very

We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy. Jeff Foxworthy

God Sense Of Humor Grace Comedy Humor Sense Way Hey Kind Would Stay About Faced Like Mess None Always Got Up Going Just Screwed Screwed-Up Place Us Shot Act Things Here Christians Need

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? Jeff Foxworthy

You Smell Babies Clean Know Shirt Did

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. Jeff Foxworthy

Nothing can stop anyone who has a love and passion about their work. Jerry Lewis

Work Love Passion Nothing About Stop Anyone Who

We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. Jerry Seinfeld

Total Contact Fallen Moment Trap Disregard Present Present Moment

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. Jerry Seinfeld

You Challenges Yourself Alive Know How Still Motivate

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. Jerry Seinfeld

You People Comedy Strangers Laugh Like Talk Make Because Friends Get So Much Fun Much Paid Your Fun Four Levels

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy. Jim Gaffigan

Good Me Change Creative People Better Made Criticism Joke Become Kids Would About Parent Something Guy More Only Better Person Writers Lazy Like Comedians Five Person Process Again Them Then Really Inherently Who Creative People Actor Why Good Guy Need