Quotes by Comedians

Some people want to advertise their weirdness, and spread it out, that's not me. Al Yankovic
Me People Some People Out Some Weirdness Advertise Spread Want
You are graduating from college. That means that this is the first day of the last day of your life. No, that's wrong. This is the last day of the first day of school. Nope, that's worse. This is a day. Andy Samberg
Life Day You School College First Worse Wrong Graduating Graduation Means Your Last
Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. 'How are you' is a greeting, not a question. Arthur Guiterman
You Tell About Indigestion How Question Friends Greeting Your
I gotta be honest with you. I'm kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels? Bill Burr
Jealous Day Mom You Women Sometimes Way Those Out Kind Angels Take Day-Out Talk Making Gotta Did Gets Just Stop Where Your Dad Honest
I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage. Bill Burr
Lie Stage Out Most Am Get Going Psycho Luckily
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. Bill Burr
Funny You Humor Hilarious Favorite Kind Observe Happening Basically
Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. Bill Hicks
Life Imagination Ourselves Dream Only
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Bill Maher
Funny Everything Sin Disease Used Now
We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies. Bill Maher
Religion People Nation Believe Think Thinking Because Stops Justified Crazies
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little. Billy Connolly
You People Wonderful Speak World Citizen Some People Think Way Some Pretty Delightful Badly Like Just Want Little Themselves
We have to remain vigilant and loud and stay consistently engaged with our representatives and the political process every single day, on both a macro and micro level. Billy Eichner
Day Political Single Every Our Consistently Stay Both Remain Single Day Loud Political Process Micro Representatives Process Engaged Vigilant Level Every Single Day
The average person has one Fallopian tube. Bo Burnham
Person Tube Average Average Person
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope
Waiting Dance Bathroom Brothers Learned How Up Six Grew
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. Bob Hope
Good News Good News Back Bad Bad News He Coming Off Really Jesus
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. Bob Hope
Hate Benefits All Religions Religions Blow Hereafter
I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage. Bob Newhart
You Marriage Laughter Think Through Gets Successful Reason Moments Rough
Don't live in the past. There's no point. You can't change anything. What a waste of time. Bob Newhart
Time You Change Past Live No Point Point Anything In The Past Waste Waste Of Time
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift. Chelsea Handler
Everything Pretend Supposed Permanent Shift Move
The best advice I can give you about falling is to never land. Chevy Chase
Best You Advice About Give Never Falling Land
Thank God I have the right friends. Chevy Chase
God Thank God Friends Thank Right
Everybody laughs when fatty falls down. Chris Farley
Down Everybody Fatty Laughs Falls
I seem to get motivated a few months at a time, and then something stressful breaks the routine, and I just fold. Chris Farley
Time Few Months Fold Seem Something Motivated Get Just Breaks Then Routine Stressful
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty. Chris Rock
You Woman Damn Tells She Looks Sixteen Twelve Twenty Near
When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you. Dane Cook
Day You People Back Wednesday Fact Refer Just Little Fun
Comedy is a shared experience, and I think it's great to open that to a wide demographic. Dave Coulier
Great Experience Comedy Think Open Shared Demographic Wide
I try to make my bed every day for mental health. Coming home to an unmade bed or a room with clothes all over will depress me. David Alan Grier
Health Day Home Me Every Day Mental Health Try Will Clothes Every Mental Over Make Bed Coming Coming Home Depress Room
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