9543 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I've learned how to use my spam filter pretty effectively. Al Yankovic

Filter Pretty Learned How Effectively Spam Use

My hobbies just sort of gradually became my vocation. Al Yankovic

Vocation Sort Became Gradually Hobbies Just

I can't stay friends with anyone who doesn't have a passion for something; and, generally speaking, artistic people, creative people carry it right into the kitchen, too. They have a zest for life; the excitement of living. All of the great eaters I've known are also men of great wit. Alan King

Life Great Creative People Passion Men Living Too Carry Stay Something Kitchen Generally Excitement Wit Also Known Friends Artistic Anyone Speaking Who Creative People Zest Right

If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.' Alexei Sayle

You Travel Words Seriously President Say States Git Lift Instance Like Lot Than Different Curtains Deranged Use They Say Elevator

However, my problems with my memory are further complicated by the fact that while I don't have any recollection of things I have actually done, I have very vivid recollections of loads of things that I haven't done. Alexei Sayle

Memory Complicated Problems Further Recollection Vivid Fact However Very Any Done While Actually Things Loads

Anytime I don't have to wear a bra is a good day. Amanda Seales

Good Day Good Day Wear Bra Anytime

The truth is what facts are. I like facts. I like things to line up and be clear, and when we are honest and true about things, it helps things to make sense, and it cuts out a lot of the fat that gets in the way and causes for the misunderstandings that I believe lead to violence and... dysfunction, etc. Amanda Seales

Truth Truth Is Sense Believe Way Out About Facts Lead Clear True Like Make Misunderstandings Causes Line Lot Up Gets Dysfunction Etc Cuts Helps Things Fat Violence Honest

I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was. Amy Schumer

Day Thought Never Never Forget Ford Model Forget Quite Realized

Pure entertainment is not an egotistical lady singing boring songs onstage for two hours and people in tuxes clapping whether they like it or not. It's the real performers on the street who can hold people's attention and keep them from walking away. Andy Kaufman

Entertainment People Pure Singing Egotistical Boring Onstage Songs Attention Performers Like Hours Real Walking Lady Hold Whether Them Who Keep Away Street Two

I'm a tearless clown. If I were to get a tattoo, it would be the two masks, and they would be both smiling. Andy Samberg

Clown Would Would-Be Both Masks Smiling Were Get Tattoo Two

That is a strange phenomenon, people pretending to be other people. Andy Samberg

Strange People Pretending Other Phenomenon

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.' Anthony Jeselnik

Day Jokes Better Everybody Everybody Else Else Would More Write Most Terrible Said How Were Than Get Just Them

There's always an element of fear that you need to work a lot until people get sick and tired of you or finally figure out that you're a fraud after all! Ben Stiller

Work Tired You People Fear Sick Sick And Tired Finally Out Fraud Until Always Lot Get After Figure Element Need

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. Benny Hill

Girl Pianos Like Upright Grand

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe. Benny Hill

Hers Pants Those Could Hot Tight Were Breathe Hardly

Italy is a tough country to be a comedian in - I can't invent stuff like this. Nearly eighty crooks in Parliament - that's about one crook in twelve. It's worse than Scampia, the most dangerous Naples slum, which is infested by the Camorra, the Neapolitan mafia. There, the criminals are only one in fifteen! Beppe Grillo

Dangerous Crook Invent Tough Country Worse Criminals Mafia Crooks About Slum Only Parliament Stuff Like Comedian Most Naples Italy Than Eighty Which Fifteen Twelve Nearly

I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.' Bill Engvall

Myself Day You Car Stupid Keys Lock One Day Out Window Guy Dry Came His Question Mall Up Hang Just Stop Gonna Asked Your Standing Coat Washed

I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out. Bill Engvall

You Fire Think Out Trigger Guns Bullets Ban Just Pull

The one thing people like about my show is it's universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, 'Something like that happened to me.' Bill Engvall

Saying Me People Enjoy Think Relate Everybody One Thing About Something Like Going The One Thing Happened Show Thing Universal

I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains. Bill Engvall

You Age Older Further Sexy Learned Brains Than Gets

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution. Bill Hicks

Creative Own Our Evolution

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