Quotes by Comedians

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. George Carlin
Become Too Punch Kick Members Another Audience Audience Members Where Commonplace Far Standing Need
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. George Miller
Food You Trouble Italian Food Later Hungry Eating Days Italian Five Six Six Days Again
I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl. Gilbert Gottfried
Win Will Predict Super Super Bowl Bowl Teams Two
Now my haters are very high class people, so I feel like I've moved up. GloZell
Class People Haters High Feel Like Up Very Moved Now
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. Gracie Allen
Half Year Born Talk Surprised
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. Groucho Marx
Good Hate Weather Too London Because Leaving Raining
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. Groucho Marx
People Dance Enough Feel Wives Who
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. Henny Youngman
Woman Made Sick Other Out Had Well Got Soup Chicken Chickens Get Get Well Help Two Jewish
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. Henny Youngman
Time Army First Other Brother-In-Law Joined He Himself First Time Died Expert Then Karate
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. Jackie Mason
Life Buy Me Money Rest My Life Enough Enough Money Unless Something Last
Just remember: if ever you feel weighed down by the bureaucracy and often mundanity of modern life, don't fight the frustration. Let it be the catalyst for whimsy. James Veitch
Life You Fight Frustration Remember Down Weighed Catalyst Feel Bureaucracy Modern Often Just Modern Life Ever
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. Jane Wagner
Funny God Schizophrenic Talk Talks Praying Us
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers
Life Me Man Woman Blame Mother Sex Husband Three Slept Top She Underneath Beds Years Bunk Goes Poor
Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid. John Leguizamo
Latin Like Republicans Raid
If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it. Jonathan Winters
Out Come Ship Your Swim
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand. Josh Billings
Truth Truth Is Scarce Excess Supply Demand Always Been
There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't. Josh Billings
Change Fools Those Kinds Opinions Who Two
I am an undisputed gangster. To me, that means playing by my own rules. Katherine Ryan
Me Own Rules My Own Am Means Gangster Playing
If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night. Kathy Griffin
Me You See Material Friday Different Saturday Saturday Night Night
Being a fish out of water is tough, but that's how you evolve. Kumail Nanjiani
You Water Tough Out Evolve How Fish Being
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.' Les Dawson
Home Rain Mother Down Saw Week Absolutely Pouring Opened Mother-In-Law Said Came Go Go Home Just Door Stand Round Her Last
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. Lewis Black
Energy Out Run Would Would-Be More Never Share Fair Fair Share Idiots Got Were Source Than America
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. Lewis Black
God Faith Great You Vote Better Somebody Think Great Faith Sure Because Going Them
I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line. Lucille Ball
Love Religion Me Love Yourself Yourself First Else Everyday Everything Everything Else Line Falls Works
No one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life. Martin Lawrence
Life Trials Tribulations Immune No-One
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes. Mel Brooks
World Long Mistakes Spinning Dizzy Make Gonna Turning
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