Quotes by Comedians

The world is being run by irresponsible spoiled brats. P. J. O'Rourke
World Run Spoiled Irresponsible Being
The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around. P. J. O'Rourke
News Ignorance Broadcast Once Find Someone Idea Around Spread Information Now
If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult. P. J. O'Rourke
New Year's Health Great You Words Mind Great Deal Will Slow Young Other Drink Adult Spoil Make Deal In Other Words Turn Your Fat
Some people have facts; these can be proven. Some people have theories; these can be disproven. But people with opinions are mindless and have their minds made up about it. P. J. O'Rourke
People Made Some People Mindless Minds Some About Facts Opinions Proven Up Theories
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! Pat Paulsen
Time You Fool People Every Monkey Out Some Only Voters Make Years Four
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller
Funny Time Day Gin Only Steam Only Time Got Accidentally Iron Ironing Ever Enjoyed
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. Phyllis Diller
You Old Shoes Barefoot Compliments Someone Alligator Know Your
Congress: Bingo with billions. Red Skelton
Congress Billions Bingo
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. Rita Rudner
Woman People Men Some People Stupid Think Some Having Makes Opposite Quite Breasts Large Actually
Feminism isn't about hating men. It's about challenging the absurd gender distinctions that boys and girls learn from childhood and carry into their adult lives. Robert Webb
Men Girl Gender Feminism Distinctions Carry Hating About Adult Absurd Learn Boy Boys And Girls Childhood Lives Challenging
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield
Jealousy Day Wife Other Know Looked Calendar She Getting May Wanted Who Ridiculous
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them. Stephen Fry
Library Too Must Idea Them Full Hard Original Original Idea
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. Steven Wright
Circus Guy Casual Head Like Look
OK, so what's the speed of dark? Steven Wright
Dark Speed OK
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright
Car Clown Had He His Friend Friends Died Who Funeral
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. Steven Wright
Man Long Argument Considered Vegas Over Got Odd Wheel Roulette Number
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven Wright
Home Car Machine Says Out Message Call Answering Leave Now
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.' Tommy Cooper
You Woman Age Doctor Ugly Old Old Age Back Says Okay Bad Tells Bad Back Well Opinion Got Want Her Second
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. W. C. Fields
Man World Dangerous Dangerous Place Alive Out Get Getting Place Lucky
Jealousy is the worst trait in any person. Adam DeVine
Jealousy Worst Person Trait Any
I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be. Benny Hill
Girl Naked Half Like Often Against
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. Billy Connolly
Funny Army Those See Wee Red Knives Does Always Go Wanted Switzerland
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. Bob Hope
Tears Humor Seen Laugh Hopeful Unbearable Something Bearable Almost Transform Even
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. Bob Hope
Funny People Wonderful Liberty Crew Statue Statue Of Liberty Restoring Same
I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing. Buddy Hackett
You People Argument Few Dancing Out Carry Carrying Never Had Know While Why Grudge
There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. David Letterman
Myself Good You Courage Behavior Pretending Believe Other Defines Only Know Courageous Because Real Any Done Human Just Real Thing Human Behavior Little Might Us Requirement Thing
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