9522 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes? George Gobel

You World Feeling Shoes Brown Were Get Did Tuxedo Pair Ever

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx

Time Man Before Unless Boss Leaves His Goes Early

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx

Funny Women Says See Through He Missing Lot Anyone Who

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Jay Leno

Christmas Wise Men Three Ruled Find Religious Scene Wise Men Supreme Supreme Court Court Any Nativity Cannot Reasons Washington

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Life Funny You Life Is Hard Better Tough Down Other Otherwise Everything Laugh Darling Shake Part Reminding Like Looks Up Tube Going Being Being Funny Act Meant Hard Things

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Mitch Hedberg

Work Good Lost Back Gum Pretty Pretty Good Bubble Had Mortality Soon Stick Felt Blowing While Flavor Carefree

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright

You Everything Would Put Where

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me. Ellen DeGeneres

Funny Myself Me Strange People Being Myself To Be Honest Everything Hoped About Had Like Being Loved Decided Being Funny Who Suddenly Honest

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. George Carlin

People Care Desperate Think Say dont Care Who

If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret. Jim Carrey

You Regret Looking Pain Back Uncertainty Looking Forward Either Moment Forward

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined. Johnny Carson

Success Work Health You Peace Happy Yourself Will Job Enjoy Possibly Physical Physical Health More Could Never Had Along Like Doing Continue Than Inner Inner Peace Imagined

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

Me Parents Bath Tell Hated Could Toys Were Toaster Radio

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. W. C. Fields

Food Water Nothing Live Prohibition Once Days Forced

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. W. C. Fields

Sunday Year Think Once I Think Spent Philadelphia

People with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world and more humble in moments of success and less defeated in times of travail. Bob Newhart

Success Sense Of Humor Humble People World Humor Sense Realistic More Tend Times Egocentric View Less Moments Defeated

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself. Lucille Ball

Life Faith Learning Yourself Discouraged Pay Busy Way One Of The Things Restore Learned Making Optimism Get Your Hard Hard Way Keeping Things

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, 'The good outnumber you, and we always will.' Patton Oswalt

Good You Ignorance Fear Will Hatred Think Intolerance Eye Outnumber Look Spot Always Just Violence

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery. Robin Williams

Says Bear Arms Amendment Artillery Right Second Second Amendment

For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see. Robin Williams

Me You Anger Yourself Comedy Hypocrisy Starts Side Everywhere Out Kind Darker See Outraged Cruel Absurd Because Within Exists Maybe Where Then Sculpt Explosion Even Deeper Hardest

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. Elayne Boosler

Life Fashion You Dog Hair Philosophy Empty Covered Your

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? George Carlin

Language Could Longest Am Sentence Shortest English English Language

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George Carlin

You Feeling Eating Know Odd Sitting Candy Bar Chocolate Toilet

Quotes by Comedians