95 Toilet Quotes for You to Enjoy

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George Carlin

You Feeling Eating Know Odd Sitting Candy Bar Chocolate Toilet

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. Les Dawson

Ride Space Roof Thought Moon Must Chariot Mars Void Put Towards Majesty Like Looked Jupiter Infinite Hang Heavens Wherein Across Toilet Zenith Ever Awe Watched Belts

You can almost judge how screwed up somebody is by the kind of toilet paper they use. Go in any rich house and it's some weird coloured embossed stuff. Captain Beefheart

When you go to jail, there's so much simple stuff missing. You just want some good toilet paper or a real toothbrush, a real blanket and a real bed to lay in. Ja Rule

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. Rod Serling

Singing Difficult Every Dancing Paper Television Minutes About Both Documentary Probing Rabbits Produce Toilet Toilet Paper Twelve Interrupted

Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet. Chuck Palahniuk

God Pet Down Alligators Maybe Just Toilet Humans

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. Jay Leno

You Dog Pour Breath Bad Bad Breath Want Little Your Toilet

No innovation in the past 200 years has done more to save lives and improve health than the sanitation revolution triggered by invention of the toilet. But it did not go far enough. It only reached one-third of the world. Sylvia Mathews Burwell

Health Innovation World Invention Past Revolution Enough One-Third More Only Reached Go Years Than Improve Did Done In The Past Far Sanitation Toilet Lives Save

We live in such a celebrity-driven culture, but all those people have to go buy toilet paper, and all those people have products they use and their favorite sweet treats. They all have to write to-do lists, and they're all reading books - well, hopefully most people are doing those things. Abbi Jacobson

Buy Culture People Reading Sweet Live Books Paper Those Favorite Hopefully Write Most Well Reading Books Doing Go Lists Use Toilet Toilet Paper Products Things Treats

There is a lot of rubbish written about toilet humour - people saying it is childish and pretending it is beneath them - but there is no doubting the effectiveness of a really good willy gag. Adrian Edmondson

Saying Good People Pretending Childish Doubting Rubbish Beneath Humour About Written Lot Effectiveness Gag Them Really Toilet

From the stage I've seen people of all ages absolutely roaring at really good toilet humour. Adrian Edmondson

Good People Seen Stage Humour Absolutely Roaring Ages Really Toilet

I really can't be bothered going to a barber. And shaving every morning, that's nightmarish. I spent my teenage years covered in tiny little bits of toilet paper. Alan Moore

Morning Every Teenage Teenage Years Paper Spent Bits Bothered Shaving Covered Years Going Tiny Little Barber Really Toilet Toilet Paper

My mum was obsessed with dress... so, in my house, there was always the obsession about aesthetics. She was obsessed with the idea that a beautiful movie is the one where you're so involved you won't go to the toilet during it, or you'll fall asleep with your make-up on after. Alessandro Michele

I used to learn my lines on the toilet, in the car, at dinner. Angie Dickinson

Car Dinner Learn Lines Toilet Used

Sometimes, when the neighborhood is silent and the sky is aswarm with the stars and the mind is swirling like a flushed toilet, a person gets to doubting himself. In the hardest times, the stand-at-the-kitchen-sink-and-stare-into-the blackness times, I put on Bob Dylan's 'Tomorrow Is a Long Time.' Anthony Doerr

It's funny: I put money into short films, and I put really good actors in it, and I write some stuff that's really funny, and I'll get, like, a million views. But to the right of me, there will be a video of a kitten that falls into a toilet bowl, and it's three seconds long, and it will get 25 million views. Ben Schwartz

Funny Good Me Money Will Three Long Films Seconds Some Kitten Write Put Stuff Like Bowl Falls Get Short Short Films Video Good Actors Really Toilet Views Actor Right Million

My mother, who died aged 82, had Alzheimer's. Losing your memory is bad enough, but everything shuts down. You can't remember how to eat or go to the toilet. It's a terrible disease and so distressing to watch it take over someone you love. Bonnie Tyler

Love You Memory Remember Mother Losing Down Enough Everything Bad Distressing Eat Someone Take Had Over Terrible Alzheimer How Go Disease Died Aged Your Toilet Who Watch

You can flush my ashes down the toilet, for all I care. Carolyn Gold Heilbrun

You Care Down Flush Ashes Toilet

My mom really let us do our own thing and play with different trends, and my sister was a little older, so she had all the beauty tricks. I would stuff things like rolled-up toilet paper into my hair to get volume, or do the reverse, and I'd lie on my back, and she'd use an actual iron to straighten it. Chrissy Teigen

Mom Lie Hair Beauty Sister Own Older Back Our Trends Paper Tricks Would Had Volume Stuff Like She Reverse Iron Get Different Little Straighten Us Really Use Toilet Toilet Paper Let Us Actual Play Thing Things

I never saw the light of day at Bouley. I remember I would bring home a roll of toilet paper a week because we got paid so little, if at all. Christina Tosi

Day Home Remember Light Saw Paper Would Week Never Because Got Roll Little Paid Toilet Toilet Paper Bring

I visited a new cultural center in Shanghai in 2005 that was pretty much perfect, except for the really badly translated Chinglish signs: a handicapped restroom that said 'Deformed Man's Toilet,' that kind of thing. David Henry Hwang

If you can market smut and toilet paper, you can market movies. Dawn Steel

You Market Paper Movies Toilet Toilet Paper

If you look at the end of a roll of toilet paper, like the brown paper tube, I basically worked in a factory that made humongous ones like that - for concrete or anything you wanted to put in there. I was the guy who chopped those up into smaller pieces, put them in a box, throw it in a pallet, wrap it up, jump in a forklift and put it on a truck. Demetrious Johnson

You Made Paper Those Wrap Brown Guy Throw Factory Put Truck Smaller Like Look Pieces Box Concrete End Up Jump Roll Tube Wanted Anything Them Worked Toilet Toilet Paper Who Chopped Basically

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