9539 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' Emo Philips

Time You Fight Face Sorry Big Corners One Time Able Guy He Well Said Got Yeah Big Guy Very Get Going Oh Oh Yeah Really Your Why Floor

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips

Funny Kid Friend Door Next Imaginary

The dreadful thing about getting older is you cry at the drop of a hat. Eric Idle

You Getting Older Drop Older Dreadful Hat About Cry Getting Thing

I shall produce nothing that will offend the proprieties, whether applied to children or grownups. My pictures are turned out with clean hands and, therefore, with a clear conscience which, like virtue, is its own reward. Fatty Arbuckle

Reward Will Own Nothing Virtue Out Shall Clean Clear Clear Conscience Pictures Like Offend Hands Children Whether Which Turned Produce Therefore Conscience Grownups Applied

The devil made me do it. Flip Wilson

Me Made Devil

It's just not funny to disrespect other people's beliefs, backgrounds, cultures, or identities when those are deeply rooted in longstanding oppression. Jokes that punch down on marginalized people require no creativity because they've existed since the beginning of time. It's like telling a knock-knock joke and believing you're Richard Pryor. Franchesca Ramsey

Funny Time You Jokes Creativity People Oppression Joke Beginning Down Disrespect Other Punch Backgrounds Those Telling Since Like Identities Because Existed Cultures Pryor Just Richard Richard Pryor Rooted Require Beliefs Believing Deeply Marginalized

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. Fred Allen

Remember Three Trouble Faces Remembering Names Always Thing Things Third

There's a good chance that if you're talking to me when I'm snoring, it means I'm bored. Garry Shandling

Good Me You Bored Talking Snoring Means Good Chance Chance

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me. Garry Shandling

Me Problem Intimacy Tell Know Friends Really

I don't think I'm severely politically active. I care deeply, and I have my strong personal beliefs. I think America is dancing on thin ice. But I think it's bigger even than a political issue. I wonder about the evolution of the human race and spirit and what our goals and reasons for living are. Garry Shandling

Strong Political Goals Care Active Living Think Our Dancing Evolution Spirit About Issue Wonder Than America Personal Politically Human Bigger Ice Race Reasons Human Race Even Beliefs Thin Deeply