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Emo Philips Quotes
Emo Philips Quotes
Emo Philips
American
Comedian
Born:
Feb 7
,
1956
Always
Any
Me
People
Time
You
Related authors:
George Carlin
Groucho Marx
Milton Berle
Mitch Hedberg
Robin Williams
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
W. C. Fields
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
Me
Kick
Once
Beat
Computer
Match
Boxing
Chess
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
Work
Forgiveness
Me
Bicycle
Every
Way
Kid
New
Him
Lord
Pray
Stole
Forgive
Forgive Me
Realised
Then
Asked
Used
Every Night
Night
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
Worth
Some
Through
Mornings
Leather
Chewing
Just
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips
Life
Good
Day
You
Woman
Every Day
Little Things
Money
School
Pay
Older
Every
Later
Stuff
Like
Until
Lot
Get
Being
Middle-Aged
Little
Things
Appreciate
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
Funny
People
Powers
How
How Many People
Hand
Many
Here
Raise
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
Morning
Wake Up
Coffee
First
Other
Tried
Pot
Had
Hot
Until
Wake
Up
Get
Oh
Just
Started
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips
Day
Me
Other
Some
New
Well
Got
Underwear
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips
Me
You
Man
Wife
Crushed
Another
Another Man
Said
Bed
Discovered
Off
Get
Two
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
Post
Evil
Incompetence
Way
Post Office
Russians
Combination
Like
Sort
Understand
Tanks
Office
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
Men
Pain
Once
About
Seem
Know
Got
How
Caught
Real
Heard
Real Pain
Childbirth
Going
Ladies
Either
Them
Themselves
Asked
Pains
Ever
Zipper
Two
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips
You
Girl
Other
Top
Way
Responding
Would
Tag
Head
She
Skillful
Toes
Her
Conscious
Sworn
Night
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
Emo Philips
Better
Out
Only
Unusual
Because
Stand
England
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
Emo Philips
Me
People
Come
Concerned
Up
Reproduce
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