Emo Philips Quotes

Emo Philips
American Comedian
Born: Feb 7, 1956
Always Any Me People Time You
Related authors: George Carlin Groucho Marx Milton Berle Mitch Hedberg Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield Steven Wright W. C. Fields
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips
Me Kick Once Beat Computer Match Boxing Chess
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips
Work Forgiveness Me Bicycle Every Way Kid New Him Lord Pray Stole Forgive Forgive Me Realised Then Asked Used Every Night Night
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Philips
Worth Some Through Mornings Leather Chewing Just
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Emo Philips
Life Good Day You Woman Every Day Little Things Money School Pay Older Every Later Stuff Like Until Lot Get Being Middle-Aged Little Things Appreciate
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips
Funny People Powers How How Many People Hand Many Here Raise
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. Emo Philips
Morning Wake Up Coffee First Other Tried Pot Had Hot Until Wake Up Get Oh Just Started
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. Emo Philips
Day Me Other Some New Well Got Underwear
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips
Today Thought Lost Avenue Down Lesson Hundred Would Rather Feel Well Return How Dollars Walking Than Wallet Taught Want Gonna Realized Fifth Fifty Keep Found
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' Emo Philips
Time You Fight Face Sorry Big Corners One Time Able Guy He Well Said Got Yeah Big Guy Very Get Going Oh Oh Yeah Really Your Why Floor
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' Emo Philips
Me You Man Wife Crushed Another Another Man Said Bed Discovered Off Get Two
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. Emo Philips
Post Evil Incompetence Way Post Office Russians Combination Like Sort Understand Tanks Office
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Emo Philips
Men Pain Once About Seem Know Got How Caught Real Heard Real Pain Childbirth Going Ladies Either Them Themselves Asked Pains Ever Zipper Two
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. Emo Philips
You Girl Other Top Way Responding Would Tag Head She Skillful Toes Her Conscious Sworn Night
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. Emo Philips
Free First Charge Give Glass Contained Dollars Antidote Five Lemonade Stand Used Away Second
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. Emo Philips
Beer Nursing Getting Quite Bar
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. Emo Philips
You School Gave Our Way Guns Some Were Any
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. Emo Philips
Love Down Run Only Blanks Know Schoolyard Around Go Yelling Up Jump Up And Down Screaming Children Little Little Children Using Watch
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? Emo Philips
Good Whatever Factories Days Children Happened Worked Ole
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. Emo Philips
Says Brother Well Hello Therapy Speech
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. Emo Philips
Jokes Head Heads Safe Comics Lot Duplicate Where Copy British
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' Emo Philips
Me You Father Will Ruby Says Marry Girlfriend Had She Said Jack Ask Asked Hello
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. Emo Philips
Me You People Alibi Well Always Were Where Ask Shot Kennedy
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. Emo Philips
Released Missionaries Return German Dutch Actually Two
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. Emo Philips
Better Out Only Unusual Because Stand England
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. Emo Philips
Me People Come Concerned Up Reproduce

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