9539 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. Demetri Martin

Food Morning Sometimes Breakfast Believe Eat Eat Breakfast Unbelievable Like Because How Toast Use Butter

Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others. Ellen DeGeneres

You Eyes Yourself Sometimes Others See Through Clearly Until

I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules. Ellen DeGeneres

Truth Truth Is People Judge Treat Exact Saddened Another How Am Off Same Molecules Connected Thing Shut

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. George Carlin

Good You Those About Part Know Texans Texas Fewer

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin

Listening Relieved Someone Delivering Always Realize Eulogy

The goal is to live a full, productive life even with all that ambiguity. No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is that the days that you have had you will have lived. Gilda Radner

Before I speak, I have something important to say. Groucho Marx

Speak Important Before Say Something

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. Groucho Marx

Saw Like Adverse Adverse Conditions Conditions Up Curtain Then Play

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. Groucho Marx

Life Time Myself Soul Wonderful Words Mind First Living Diminution Neither Record Born Concerning First Thing Loses Nor Began Itself The First Thing Which Eternity Depths Everlasting Thing Bring

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. Henny Youngman

Love Home You Woman Marriage Affection Give Tenderness Wrong Do You Know Come Know House Little Means Night

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. Henny Youngman

Money Got Die Ever Four Need

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh. Jim Carrey

Life Focus Pain Laugh Reduce Mock Forget

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful. Jim Carrey

Life Beautiful Alcohol Too About Very Serious

Everyone looks so much better when they smile. Jimmy Fallon

Smile Better Everyone Looks Much

People will pay more to be entertained than educated. Johnny Carson

People Will Pay Entertained More Educated Than

When you're eight years old nothing is your business. Lenny Bruce

Funny You Business Old Nothing Years Eight Your

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is. Lenny Bruce

People Live Only Never Exist Up Trying Did Should Keep

I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, 'How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?' Lenny Bruce

Quotes by Comedians