46 Demetri Martin Quotes for You to Enjoy

Demetri Martin

American Comedian

Born: May 25, 1973

Because Love Me People Think You

Related authors: George Carlin Groucho Marx Milton Berle Mitch Hedberg Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield Steven Wright W. C. Fields

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. Demetri Martin

Love Me You Trust Women Dog Liar Pet Girl Met Cute Liars Bite Eat Some Park Had He Feel Name Like Know She Talking Does Said How Yeah Up Oh Oh Yeah Them Then Her Started

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' Demetri Martin

Today Hope Saying Day Morning You People Sometimes Behavior Decision Be Nice Nice Think Dressed About Chased Put Like For The Day Making Sneakers Get Really Your

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' Demetri Martin

Hope You Fruit Problem Cause Move On Favorite No Problem Stuck Know Piece Another Because Always Get Move Just Crappy Next Grape Grapes Peach Apple Chance

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. Demetri Martin

Saying Sorry Except Same Apologize Funeral

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. Demetri Martin

Time Half Building Down One Time Tripped Over Hour Hour And A Half Fell Because Up Escalator Move Stairs Choose Riding Elevator

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' Demetri Martin

Video Games Alone Me You Game Man Busy Other Hey Characters Super Guy Could Hospital Head Performing Like Got Leave Surgery Leave Me Alone Very Times Died Want Which Video Video Game Create Shot Games Help Who Playing Violent

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. Demetri Martin

Breath Bad Bad Breath Term Another Balloon Holder

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin

Great Technology Reminisce Digital Invention Instantly Because Camera Us

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' Demetri Martin

Me People Mind Hey Says Sign Out Never Like Sticker Lot Bumper Bumper Sticker Hang Shortcut Little

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' Demetri Martin

You Win Word Kidney Fine Nobel Nobel Prize Most Said Am Dude Wonder Intelligent Thank Prize Stoked Just Wanna Gonna Your Turtle Ever Thing Started Kevin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. Demetri Martin

Me Scale Said Clothing Lady Size Store Asked Actual

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Demetri Martin

Saw Out Calling Getting Hanged Just Ever Letters Start

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. Demetri Martin

Own Garbage Out Plumbing Because Up Screwed Screwed-Up Turns Disposal

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. Demetri Martin

Progress Illustration Way Draw Kid Definitely Okay Drawings Drew Since Grade Sixth Stopped Again Then Really Twenties Started

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. Demetri Martin

Comedy Old Guess Like Years Going Being Fan Started

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. Demetri Martin

Work Love Good Family People Comedy Sets Medium Collaborative Solitary Colleagues Spirit More Like House Also Yard Years Years And Years Lot Same Want Film Good Film Film Sets

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin

Time Game Heart Worst Attack

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Demetri Martin

You Only Friend Fat

Let no man's deathbed be a futon. Demetri Martin

Man Deathbed

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. Demetri Martin

Me First Think About Something Like Always Blush Hard

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. Demetri Martin

Time Me Thought Made Girl Way Definitely Laugh Out Like Liked She Friend Done Often Then Found Her Zone

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