Quotes by Comedians

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld

Funny You Two-Year-Old Top Kind Having Blender Like

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny Unwanted Baby Bath Saw Knew Toys Were Toaster Radio

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James

Food World Better Feeling Box Than Pizza Warm Your Lap

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. Lewis Black

Politics Nothing Bad Bad Ideas Ideas Democrats Republicans

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg

Good Matter About Never Tennis How Wall Get Depressing Thing

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg

Time You People Please Those Were Show Last Night Last Night

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg

Time Good You Try Beans Like Because Fried Maybe Just Wanna After Again Fry Them Why Wasting Wasting Time

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby

You People Fate Smart Duty Enough Out Putting Court Go Were Get Hands Jury Jury Duty Your Who Twelve

If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free. P. J. O'Rourke

Health You Wait Care Free Think Health Care Just Expensive Now

If any animal is capable of unconditional love, it is surely the canine: they are forgiving, caring, life-affirming creatures who humble us and teach us to be more human and compassionate. Richard Belzer

Love Animal Humble Caring More Unconditional Unconditional Love Surely Any Forgiving Human Capable Us Teach Who Creatures Compassionate

The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have. Ring Lardner

Family You Important Come Going

Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing. Robin Williams

Good Together People Something Good Thing Same Being Room Creating Thing

I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. Robin Williams

Love Funny Me You Love Me Mother Entertaining Charming Drives Primal Perform Performing Make Learned Another Person Going Being Little Connection Her Started Basically Need

Reality: What a concept! Robin Williams

Reality Concept

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield

Morning Mother Sickness Born Morning Sickness Had After

There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever. Ron White

You Class Stupid Take Pill Go Forever

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Steven Wright

Dog Pet Gone Poured He Spot Now

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. Steven Wright

Car Had Driving Dizzy Got Stop Tires While

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. Steven Wright

Matter Temperature Always Room

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright

Cat Curiosity Suspect While

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Steven Wright

You Written Over Over It Existential Map Here