Quotes by Comedians

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there. Josh Billings
You One Thing Postage Like Until Stick Get Stamp Thing
Communism is like one big phone company. Lenny Bruce
Funny Communism Phone Big Like Company
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. Lenny Bruce
School Would Would-Be Wearing Crosses Had Instead School Children Catholic Catholic School Around Been Years Years Ago Children Little Electric Twenty Chairs Jesus Necks
What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. Lewis Black
Love Day You Flu Valentines Day Sense Valentine Find Disturbing About No Sense Look Most Makes Get Holiday Height Season
People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. Lisa Lampanelli
People Single Nothing Every AIDS Our Minds Tell Embraced Pretty Open Like Learn Hearts Same HIV May Just Afraid Story Them Us Much Dismissed Should Helped Each Need
If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively. Mel Brooks
You Living Colorful Noisy Got Quiet Lively
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. P. J. O'Rourke
Politics First Sold Bought First Things Selling Controlled Legislation Legislators Things Buying
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller
Cleaning Walk Before Kids Like House Still Up Snowing Stops While Your Growing Growing Up
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled. Red Skelton
Smile Day You Heart Remember Face Feeling Clown Back Chuckle Has-Been Some Silly Silly Thing Purpose Well Said Been Done Then Fulfilled Should Your Thing Brings Chance
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
Life Great You Rest Find Annoy Person Want Your Special Special Person
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. Robert Benchley
Loyalty Obedience Dog Three Before Down Lying Importance Learn Around Boy Lot Times Turning
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright
Work You Fire Hydrant Park Factory Place Anywhere Used Near
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' Steven Wright
Life Day Me You Babies Baby Say See Beach Over Still Doing Go Off Little Little Baby Them Worked Your Vacation Here Need
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Steven Wright
Year Every Other He Caught Fish Line Fishing Salvador Salvador Dali Using Dali Last Last Year
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. Steven Wright
Buy Me General Store Anything Specific
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. W. C. Fields
Politics Vote Hell Never Always Anybody Against
I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird. Chris Rock
Dark Own Moods My Own Weird Demons
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Ellen DeGeneres
Beautiful Mom You Animal People Mother Walls Think Say Photographs Heads Attractive Because Always Go Ask Why Her Deer
Social media, unfortunately, just makes it a lot easier to be jealous. It sets up false expectations of reality, so it's really easy to look at someone else's life online and assume that they have everything going great for them and that their life is perfect. Franchesca Ramsey
Life Jealous Great Reality Social Media Assume Sets Else Everything Easier Easy Someone Online Perfect Look Makes False Lot Up Expectations Going Just Unfortunately Social Them Really Media
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns
Funny Sick Only Dead Boy Sea
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it. George Burns
Me You Key Stress Important Single Worry Say Would Tension Longevity Most Still Ask Avoiding
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. George Burns
Life Future Rest My Life Spend Look Because Going Where
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. George Carlin
Work Time People Think Tried Allowed Maybe Want Anything While Should
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. Groucho Marx
Me You Before Like Because Hear Heard Stop Story Again
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx
Judge Anatomy Named Poor Whoever
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. Jeff Foxworthy
You Book Value Down Truck Redneck How How Much Up Up And Down Goes Blue Depending Might Much Your Gas
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