Quotes by Comedians

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. Henny Youngman

Christmas Atheist Become Gave Once Up Wanted Holidays

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one? Jackie Mason

You Kid Hear Accountant Did Wanted Even Ever Playing

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. Josh Billings

Truth Exaggeration People Some People Lying Addicted Tell Some Without

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx

Funny Would Someone Understand Five Fetch Child Send

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W. C. Fields

People Sense Horse Betting Which Keeps Thing

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx

Face Case Exception Glad Never Never Forget Make Forget Your

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg

Buy Birthday Cake Got Candle Store Wanted Holder

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. P. J. O'Rourke

Funny Important Unlikely More Cleanliness Becomes Godliness

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. Steven Wright

You World Seen Collection Beaches Perhaps Keep Largest

I'm doing my best to be mindful about how I'm living: to be kind and patient, and not to impose a bad mood on somebody else. Being mindful is as good a way to be spiritual as anything else. Deirdre O'Kane

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable. Bill Maher

Politics Government Time Freedom You People Free Insist Blindly Duty Liars Would Someone Remain Point Cleaner Involved Makes Bragging Get Oh So Many People Republic Much Derelict Ignorant Many Agreeable Harder Harder Time Right

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin

Me Bible People Older Thinking Final Exam About Seem More Dawned Read How Lot Get Then Whole

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Groucho Marx

Saying Me Quote

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong. Robin Williams

You Else Everything Everything Else Wrong Left Right

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. W. C. Fields

Me Woman Decency Drink Drove Thank Even Her

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns

Me Remember Trouble Drunk Only Drink Takes Get Fourteenth

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

Wonderful Had Perfectly Evening

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. Josh Billings

Love Envy Telescope Through Looks Microscope

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. Rita Rudner

Sunlight Vegetarian Toward Until Leaning Started