Quotes by Comedians

I am a student of stupidity. I am a political reporter. P. J. O'Rourke
I Am Stupidity Political Student Am Reporter
Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. Pat Paulsen
Blame Fault Political Try Single Greedy Politician Richard Nixon System Nixon Out Would Lies Only Individual Cheap Gain Richard
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. Pat Paulsen
Up Standards Yours Now
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. Paula Poundstone
Death Time Tired Feeling Out Taken Sin Sort Wages Just Taxes By The Time
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Phyllis Diller
Three Grass He Hours Fresh Said Waiter Lady Asked Milk
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Phyllis Diller
Pain Beneath Out Trick Had Knee Mother-In-Law Left Turned Her
I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken. Robin Williams
Everyone About Instead Idea Town Dead Becomes Where Movie Which Chris Zombies
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. Rodney Dangerfield
Me Surgeon Met Cigarette General He Offered
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. Rodney Dangerfield
Hope Man Fight World Seventy He Knows Still Reform Wants Full Twenty
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. Rodney Dangerfield
Wife Made Throat Stuck She Got Chocolate Cook
I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship. Ron White
Positive Relationship Communication Matter Think Where Honest
The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. Ronnie Barker
Police Toilets Nothing Local Say Station Police Station Go Been Stolen
But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Ronnie Barker
Today Time News Police First Looking Minister Chased Through Spokesman Prime Like House House Of Commons Said Yard Question Off Scotland Escaped Front Front Door Door After Commons Sealed Lunatic Needle
Don't fear the terrorists. They're mothers and fathers. Rosie O'Donnell
Fear Fathers Mothers Terrorists
The older you get, the more you realise how happenstance... has helped to determine your path through life. Rowan Atkinson
Life You Path Older Determine More Through How Get Happenstance Realise Your Helped
Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad. Sam Kinison
You Rage Mad Trick Only Gotta Justified Reason Works
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. Spike Milligan
Finally String Ruled Ten Ten Years Foot Caesar Piece Years Hand Iron Wooden Then
Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. Stephen Colbert
Matter Perception Everything Facts Certainty
If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore. And you actually have power over those people. Stephen Colbert
You Hurt People Words Power Those Give Throw Over Anymore Actually
Reality has a well-known liberal bias. Stephen Colbert
Reality Liberal Bias
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Steve Martin
Music Architecture Dancing About Like Talking
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. Steve Martin
Beautiful Buy Natural Money Most Beautiful Sex Believe Most Wholesome Things
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. Steven Wright
Other Statues Had Heads Arms Where Museum Museums
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. Steven Wright
Cake Rest Sacrifice Year Honestly Would Restaurants Eat Could Take Course Pill Go Die Just Want Again Ice Ice Cream January Chocolate Cream Then Chocolate Cake
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. Steven Wright
Down Ran Out Some Had Walking Suddenly Street Prescription
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' Steven Wright
Death Words Sometimes Word First Wish Could Bed End Quote Last
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