Quotes by Comedians

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. Mitch Hedberg

Only Clean Dirty Dry Shirt Which Means

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Mitch Hedberg

Think Combination Soccer

Old is when people compliment your alligator shoes, and you're not wearing any. Norm Crosby

You People Old Shoes Compliment Wearing Alligator Any Your

Each child is biologically required to have a mother. Fatherhood is a well-regarded theory, but motherhood is a fact. P. J. O'Rourke

Mother Motherhood Fatherhood Fact Child Required Theory Each Biologically

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. P. J. O'Rourke

You Behavior Holiday Season Kiss Drunk Year Married Proper Through New Drunkenness Person Get Holiday Eve Season

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller

You Aim Aim High High Foot Off Shoot Your

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up. Red Skelton

Me Long Nuts Lock Laugh Know Make Up Going

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. Rita Rudner

Together Word Down Charge About Gym Hour Instructor Call Said Got Aerobic Came Up Up And Down Jumping Going

The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or - the worst dread - you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on. Robin Williams

Truth You Truth Is Madness Sometimes Lost Fluke Worried Worst Dread Out Find Through Never Had Essential Really Early Muse

I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there. Robin Williams

Time You World Gaudy Hideous See One-Night Per Only Vegas End End Of The World May Place Certainly Ever Play Night

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield

Me Uncle Wish He His Wanted Dying Electric Lap Chair

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

Happy Wife Met Were Years Then

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield

Tough Neighborhood Some Put Another Felt Real Came Hand Cement

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield

Day Me Wife Garbage Other Eye Out Put She Said Always Go Get Trying Did Rid Keep Her

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Rodney Dangerfield

Myself Girl Saved Attacked Controlled Being Last Night Last Night

I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals. Spike Milligan

Treat Animals Way Look Human Race Human Race Resigned

I use the term 'disabled people' quite deliberately, because I subscribe to what's called the social model of disability, which tells us that we are more disabled by the society that we live in than by our bodies and our diagnoses. Stella Young

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. Stephen Colbert

Love You Yourself Money Will Community Only Friends Your Serve

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. Steve Martin

Funny Chaos Order Midst

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. Steven Wright

Me Old Stayed Hotel Sent Really Letter Last Night Last Night

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. Steven Wright

Water Add Know Got Now

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Tommy Cooper

Dog Looking Walks Thanks Starts Guide Says Out He Head Picks Blind Calls Around His Bloke Up Sir Shop Just Just Looking Help Swinging Assistant