Quotes by Comedians

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. Steven Wright
Future Side Way Visionary See Only Could Peripheral Off
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. Steven Wright
Me Brilliant Thought Every Dream Would Would-Be About Johnny Johnny Carson Him Always Comics Just Being Used Show Watch Every Night Night
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Steven Wright
Death Science Science Fiction Leaving Die Fiction Body
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Steven Wright
Evolution Darwin Adopted Theory
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. W. C. Fields
You Heart Will Long Live Worry About Your Last
If love is the treasure, laughter is the key. Yakov Smirnoff
Love Love Is Key Laughter Treasure
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Love Food Hate Plants Animals Vegetarian Because Am
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git. Alexei Sayle
Saying Stupid President Say Ways Git Lift American Different They Say Different Ways Elevator Things
I just love bossy women. I could be around them all day. To me, bossy is not a pejorative term at all. It means somebody's passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn't mind leading. Amy Poehler
Love Day Me Women Mind Somebody All Day Bossy Could Leading Term Around Passionate Ambitious Just Them Means Engaged
I'm super grateful that there wasn't social media when I was a kid, but that sort of self-doubt crept in at a young age. It's bullying. It's the comments here and there, and maybe somebody says something to you that they don't even mean to be a mean-spirited comment, but they'll just kind of say it to you in passing. Amy Schumer
Bullying You Age Grateful Social Media Somebody Young Say Kid Says Kind Super Something Self-Doubt Sort Passing Comment Comments Maybe Just Young Age Just Kind Mean Social Even Media Here
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. Benny Hill
Complains Parachute Perfect Nobody Because Just Just Because Mean
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. Bill Hicks
Funny Hurt Humor Hilarious Someone Until Always Gets Just Then
I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit. Bill Hicks
Love Truth Laughter Abide Spirit Am Left Wherever
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. Billy Connolly
Alone Man Trust Try Tea Never Left Who
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. Bob Hope
Work You Game Sports Recreation Golf Fun Play Watch
I guess one of the ways that karma works is that it finds out what you are most afraid of and then makes that happen eventually. Cheech Marin
You Karma Guess Ways Out Finds Most Makes Afraid Happen Then Works Eventually
The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life. Chelsea Handler
Life Love Friendship Happy Happy Life Facet Underlying
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. Demetri Martin
Time Half Building Down One Time Tripped Over Hour Hour And A Half Fell Because Up Escalator Move Stairs Choose Riding Elevator
We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre. Dick Gregory
Great History Victory Think Books Indians Fair Massacre Because Cavalry Won History Books Against Root Used
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal. Eddie Izzard
Buy Food You Cats Pet Go Away Scam Eat Deal Go Going Away
I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I'm a human trying to make it through in this world. Ellen DeGeneres
Beautiful Day Peace World Stillness Other Those Minutes Through Hours Make Get Trying Human Then Fleeting Moments Inner Inner Peace
I hate having to do small talk. I'd rather talk about deep subjects. I'd rather talk about meditation, or the world, or the trees or animals, than small, inane, you know, banter. Ellen DeGeneres
You Hate World Animals Meditation Trees About Rather Having Small Small Talk Know Talk Subjects Than Deep
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen
Funny Time Religion People Church First Changed Hundred First Time Choir Sang Two
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. Fred Allen
Me Rather Bottle Than Front Full
Think off-center. George Carlin
Think
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. George Carlin
Good You Example Dust Futility Fact Put Soon Been Trying Established Next Your Good Example Right Things
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