9522 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright

Idiot Fine Fine Line Between Like Line Fishing Shore Just Standing

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin

You Freak Born Ticket America Get Front Show Seat Row

I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can't get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That's in friendship, that's a deal, that's a commitment. Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life. Jerry Lewis

Life Friendship Loyalty Me You Commitment Lawyer Paper Thoroughly Lock Runs Drew Someone Give Shake Something Give Me Because Deal Hand Up Bloodstream Get Same Commit Break Who Away

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

Funny You Take Take A Chance Housework Why Chance

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

Funny Me People Long Walks Taken Like Annoy Who

We focus so much on our differences, and that is creating, I think, a lot of chaos and negativity and bullying in the world. And I think if everybody focused on what we all have in common - which is - we all want to be happy. Ellen DeGeneres

Bullying Be Happy Happy World Focus Differences Think Everybody Negativity Chaos Our Focused Lot Common Want Which Much Creating

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright

You Try Nobody Cares Think Cares About Nobody Missing Couple Payments

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller

Afford Move Children Want Them Then Things

Laughter is an instant vacation. Milton Berle

Laughter Instant Vacation

It's not that diamonds are a girl's best friend, but it's your best friends who are your diamonds. It's your best friends who are supremely resilient, made under pressure and of astonishing value. They're everlasting; they can cut glass if they need to. Gina Barreca

Best Value Pressure Made Girl Astonishing Best Friend Glass Supremely Diamonds Friend Friends Cut Your Who Everlasting Resilient Need

Parenting is not giving your child everything they want. Parenting is not being your child's friend. Parenting is about preparing your child to be a useful and respectful person in society. GloZell

Parenting Giving Society Everything Respectful About Friend Child Person Being Want Your Useful Your Child Preparing

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. P. J. O'Rourke

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin

Moon Nights Silent Only Wolves

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

Me Defeat Bookstore Section Would Purpose She Self-Help Said Asked

Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words. Josh Billings

Words Seen Hunting Never Idea Ideas Often

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henny Youngman

Music Time Marriage People Dinner Some People Long Secret Our Dancing Restaurant Some Week Take Anniversary She Go Times Goes Candlelight The Secret Of Little Ask Two Soft

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.' Bill Maher

Death God Me You Man Fire Suicide Way Telling Quit

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Wife Spoken Years Want Her Interrupt

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop. P. J. O'Rourke

Government Mystery Make How Stop Works Washington

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' Elayne Boosler

Thankful History Peace Key Safety Car Mind Important Community Peace Of Mind Lock Delete Invented Computers Most House Box Am Private The Most Important Order Deposit Boat Bike Your Sanity

I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people. Louie Anderson

Myself Hurt People Responsibility Sorry Take Had Excuses Felt Off Did Any Done Anybody Happened Ashamed Pawn Full Actions

I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done. Lucille Ball

Regret Rather Than Done Things

Quotes by Comedians