Quotes by Comedians

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. Lewis Black
Me History Halloween Made Year Every Corn Worst Worst Thing Unbelievable Eats About Only Never Nobody Stuff Over Since Course Been Left America Candy The History Of Reason Ever Thing Ton
It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. Lucille Ball
You Happy Recognize Able Makes Being Helluva Start
If you stand on a soapbox and trade rhetoric with a dictator you never win. Mel Brooks
You Win Never Trade Dictator Rhetoric Soapbox Stand
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' Mitch Hedberg
Me Later My Friend Said Yeah Friend Banana Want Wanted Frozen Asked Regular
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. Mitch Hedberg
Addicted Blackjack Like Sitting Gambling Play
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg
You Man Car Way Tell Exactly About Headlights Know Look Coming Lot Any Which
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. P. J. O'Rourke
You Duty Consequences Damn Please Only Take Well Human Human Right Right Basic
Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? Pat Paulsen
Home Better Care Military Spend Taking Concentrate Foreign Continue Dictatorships Subsidize Should Billions Right Here
Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' Pat Paulsen
Saying You World Will White White House Assure Relations Respond Must Having Joking House Comic Foreign Continue Stability Initiatives
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer. Paula Poundstone
Cats Problem Face Exact See Look Moth Get Same The Problem With Whether
When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out. Paula Poundstone
School Word Every Spell Our Out High Obama High School Voice Gives Put Heads Until His Graduate Listen Inauguration Speeches
Serious and intense people, they drain you. But someone who's an idiot, like myself, they're fun. You either hate me or you love me. Pauly Shore
Love Myself Me You Love Me Hate People Idiot Someone Like Intense Either Fun Serious Drain
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' Rita Rudner
Interior Car Men Wear New Perfume Attract New Car
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. Robert Benchley
Perseverance Dog Pet Three Before Down Lying Around Boy Times Fidelity Turn Teaches
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string. Robin Williams
Food You String Eaten Bean More Cotton Like Green Tastes Closest Closest Thing Bred Turns Cook Ever Thing
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage Dog Wife Tough Married Stay Kisses Drink Glass She Lips
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Rodney Dangerfield
Dog Pet Bone Favorite Arm Got His
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. Rodney Dangerfield
Me Mother Ugly Feed Shot Used
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield
Me Mother Only Fed Never Liked She Friend
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. Spike Milligan
God Light Wait Would He Thursday Until Said Board Electricity Connected
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens. Spike Milligan
Just Afraid Want Dying Happens
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. Spike Milligan
Thought Reading Mine Poem Shakespeare Never He Reads Begin Any Then Should Why
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. Stephen Colbert
Thankful Dreams Change World First Our Dream Would Would-Be Stuck Princesses Overrun Cowboys Thankfully
Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully. Temperance is wickedness. Stephen Fry
Fruit Garden Experience Creation Every Tree Once Temperance Insult Least Taste Fully Wickedness
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. Steven Wright
Bible Glasses Reading Other Wearing Read Non-Fiction Same Fiction Each Pair Pairs Twice Two
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright
Buy You Friends Barbie Popular Why Her
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