Quotes by Comedians

You think about getting old, but when you get there, it's not what you thought it would be. Jerry Lewis
You Old Thought Getting Old Think Would Would-Be About Get Getting
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Think Delicate Subjects Explosive
Life is an ordeal, albeit an exciting one, but I wouldn't trade it for the good old days of poverty and obscurity. Jim Carrey
Life Good Old Poverty Good Old Days Obscurity Exciting Days Trade Ordeal Old Days Albeit
I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself. Jim Carrey
Myself Good You Own Believe Universe Philosophy Trying Just Create Really Your
I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing. Jim Carrey
Alone Time Day Late Stay Only Tend Only Time Performing Because Partying Up
'Have fun' is my message. Be silly. You're allowed to be silly. There's nothing wrong with it. Jimmy Fallon
You Have Fun Nothing Silly Allowed Wrong Message Fun
My wife and I had been trying a while to have a baby. We tried a bunch of things - so we had a surrogate. Jimmy Fallon
Wife Baby Tried Had Been Surrogate Bunch Trying While Things
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty. Joe E. Lewis
Me Water Say Someone Dirty Scotch Whenever Want Ask Thirsty
The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win. Joey Adams
Win Market Must Horses Between Stock Stock Market Difference Playing
You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term. John Mulaney
Work Good Food You Long Good Work Nothing All Night Staying Eating Simply Long-Term Term Up Junk Junk Food Night
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. Johnny Carson
Funny Nothing Kid Naive Sneak Behind Used Barn
In youth we run into difficulties. In old age difficulties run into us. Josh Billings
Age Youth Old Old Age Difficulties Run Us
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. Josh Billings
Funny Water Cologne Like Swallowed Flattery
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter. Lenny Bruce
Daughter Guy Only Knocks Anonymous Truly Up Donor Your Who
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson
Time Wife Sex Every Every Time Object Objects She Ask
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. Les Dawson
Down Never Knew Wishing Fell Well Mother-In-Law Amazed Worked
My inspiration comes from my real life experiences. Lilly Singh
Life Real Life Life Experiences Inspiration Real Experiences
I'm my own boss, my own editor, my own shooter, my own writer, everything. This is all stuff I learned through trial and error... failing at a lot of things has taught me how to succeed at them eventually... you roll with the punches. Lilly Singh
Me You Own Everything Punches Trial Trial And Error Boss My Own Through Writer Failing Stuff Learned Editor How Lot Error Roll Shooter Taught Succeed Them Eventually Things
Political correctness is as exploitable as any other progressive ideal, but its aim is to stifle the incessant noise of those who flap their careless lips without a thought about those they might offend and why that might be important. Marcus Brigstocke
Noise Political Thought Important Careless Other Aim Progressive Those Correctness About Ideal Without Stifle Political Correctness Offend Lips Any Flap Might Incessant Who Why
To start telling people that you're beautiful, or just feel beautiful, just start acting like you are the most beautiful woman in the world. And it really improves everything! Because your sort of psyche responds to it - like this is truthful! Margaret Cho
Beautiful You Woman People World Most Beautiful Beautiful Woman Everything Responds Telling Feel Like Most Sort Because Truthful Improves Psyche Just Really Acting Your Start
Cats aren't cooperative in the same way that other animals are. You can train a dog to act, but you can't train a cat in the same way. Michael Showalter
You Cats Dog Animals Other Way Cat Train Same Act Cooperative
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Mitch Hedberg
Time Every Assume Too Every Time Else Say Someone Shave Shaving Go Gonna Planet
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. Mitch Hedberg
Work Draw Kid Magnet Kitchen Make Sure
The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? P. J. O'Rourke
People Country Hell Think Nuts Those Administration Religious Guns Plymouth Attack Stepped Because Does Rock Were Clinton Clinton Administration Texas Ashore Bill Bill Clinton Who Founded
In its worse forms, conservatism is a matter of 'I hate strangers and anything that's different.' P. J. O'Rourke
Hate Matter Strangers Conservatism Worse Different Anything Forms
The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it. P. J. O'Rourke
Government Together People Pay Enough Enough People Our Something Take Idea Concert Get Get Together Act Whole
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