Quotes by Comedians

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Gilda Radner
Life Best Change Not Knowing About Having Taking Knowing Without Making Going Happen Next Moment
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. Groucho Marx
Monday Every Television Minutes Stuff Read Educate Intellectual America Going Newspapers Started
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx
Time Book Somebody Every Other Every Time Television Find Read Educating Go Very Room Turns Set
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Day News Every Day World Amazing Every Exactly Always Fits Just Happens Newspaper Amount
Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them. Jim Carrey
Life You Opportunities Stay Take Taking Opens Up Afraid Either Them
I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point? Joy Behar
Jealous Jealousy Time You People Wonderful About Point Because Go Get Wonderful Time Them Waste Waste Of Time Lives
In my life I've gone through a lot of really hard times. I went through depression and had so many challenges that I overcame. And I overcame because I just decided to be happy. Lilly Singh
Life Depression Be Happy Challenges Happy My Life Gone Through Had Overcame Because Lot Times Just Decided Really Hard Many Hard Times
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. Robin Williams
Reality People Crutch Just Who Cope
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Rodney Dangerfield
Me Teeth Wear Brown He Tie Yellow Dentist Going
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield
Day Home Me Girl Other Nobody Over Come Said
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips
Work Forgiveness Me Bicycle Every Way Kid New Him Lord Pray Stole Forgive Forgive Me Realised Then Asked Used Every Night Night
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin
Myself Only Talk Accept Answers Reason Whose
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. George Carlin
About Only Know Did Going
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' Jerry Seinfeld
Birthday You Cake Old Getting Old Out See Like Know Get Blow Getting Candle
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. Josh Billings
Funny Great You Together Words Power Too Great Power Hitch Them Many
If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do. Lucille Ball
You Busy Something More Person Done Want Ask Busy Person Things
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
Parents Kid Always Lot Moved Them Found
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. Steven Wright
Kid Only Only Child Had Box Quicksand Child Little Sand Little Kid Eventually
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. W. C. Fields
Life You Woman Try Rest Impress Never She Because Up Expect Your Standard Keep
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. W. C. Fields
Nothing Having Feet Like House Around Midget Little Butler
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin
Group Member Would Guy Never Nailed Pieces Wood Want Whose Symbol Two
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin
You Travel Before Does Get Mean
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George Carlin
Freedom Fight Crime Fire Mention Never Part Well Us Fighters
I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley. Gilbert Gottfried
You Wish Garbage Every Back Monument TV TV Shows Window Paris Alley Outside Hotel Hotel Rooms Hotels Pyramids Tower Like Always Overlook Were Egypt Eiffel Eiffel Tower Where Movies Rooms Your Shows Right
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman
Today Good Stepped Balls Hit Golf While Playing Two Rake
There isn't anybody out there who doesn't have a mental health issue, whether it's depression, anxiety, or how to cope with relationships. Having OCD is not an embarrassment anymore - for me. Just know that there is help and your life could be better if you go out and seek the help. Howie Mandel
Life Depression Health Me You Mental Health Anxiety Better Relationships Embarrassment Out Seek Mental Having Could Know How Issue Go Just Anybody Anymore Whether Your Help Who Cope
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