Quotes by Comedians

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield

Truth Me Wife Seeing She Psychiatrist Then Bartender Her Two

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. W. C. Fields

Cheese Pet Rat Clever Breath Down Eats Cat Holes Breathes

I'm not an activist; I don't look for controversy. I'm not a political person, but I'm a person with compassion. I care passionately about equal rights. I care about human rights. I care about animal rights. Ellen DeGeneres

Rights Animal Political Compassion Care Human Rights About Animal Rights Look Equal Equal Rights Passionately Person Human Controversy Activist

I have sadness in me. I have anger in me. I have heartbreak in me. Ellen DeGeneres

Me Anger Sadness Heartbreak

Always do whatever's next. George Carlin

Whatever Always Next

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Steven Wright

Word Would Know Misspelled How Were Dictionary

On the other hand, you have different fingers. Steven Wright

You Other Fingers Hand Different

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. W. C. Fields

Crazy Women Degree Doubt All Women No Doubt Only Question Exists Women Are

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin

Day You Says All Day Someone Impatient Always Got How Wonder

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx

Man Woman Old Only He Feels

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield

Me Dark Light Wife Naked Saw She Afraid Then Now

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan

Sit Tree Sure Cure

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx

Marriage Wonderful Live Institution Wants Who

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. Groucho Marx

You Mind Club Join Beat Head Over

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. Lenny Bruce

People Everything Liberals Understand Them Who

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg

Funny Cause Down Wear Know Wanna Upside Upside Down Necklace

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield

Game Fight Other Broke Out Hockey Night

We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that. Ellen DeGeneres

Kindness Joy Compassion Laughter Definitely More Contribute Want Need