Quotes by Comedians

I've never seen anyone more messed up over success than Richard Pryor. For him, it's a constant battle between success in the white world and keeping it real for his black self. Paul Mooney
Success Battle World Black Seen White Constant More Self Never Between Over Him Messed Messed Up Real His Up Than Pryor Anyone Richard Richard Pryor White World Keeping
What does it mean to be too black for Hollywood? It's self-explanatory. Hollywood has certain kinds of blacks that they like. Paul Mooney
Black Too Kinds Blacks Like Does Mean Hollywood Certain
Sometimes, what you do you have no control over because it's predestined. It's gonna happen in spite of you. There's nothing you can do about it. Paul Mooney
You Sometimes Control Nothing No Control About Spite Over Because Predestined Happen Gonna
I make a wonderful cure-all called Four Thieves, just like my mum did. It's cider vinegar, 36 cloves of garlic and four herbs, representing four looters of plague victims' homes in 1665 who had their sentences reduced from burning at the stake to hanging for explaining the recipe that kept them from catching the plague. Paul O'Grady
Wonderful Thieves Recipe Cider Had Catching Like Make Reduced Did Hanging Just Representing Burning Victims Explaining Plague Stake Them Sentences Who Homes Mum Garlic Vinegar Four Herbs Kept
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise. Paula Poundstone
Rain Noise Party Bear Polar Gore Calls Forest Canada Us Should Hard Al Al Gore Cops Save
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. Phyllis Diller
Good Beauty Skin Only Good Thing Deep Rotten Thing Core
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. Phyllis Diller
Me Better Become Totally More Knew Instinctively Wanted Right
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller
Sex Drive Tremendous Admit Boyfriend Miles Forty Away Lives
Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. Red Skelton
Collapse Run See Course Exercise Friends Get Golf Golf Course
Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles. Red Skelton
Happiness Care Too Much Too Our Misery Taken Principles Springs Cannot Forming Much Therefore Actions
I have this game with my friends: When we go out, if 'Treat yo' self' is tagged within the last six minutes on Twitter, they buy lunch. If not, I buy. They always buy. Retta
Buy Game Treat Lunch Twitter Out Minutes Tagged Self Within Always Go Friends Six Last
I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They're giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that's just the staff. Rhys Darby
Love Funny Confusion Funny Things Way Airport Complexes Giant Supposed Because Always Am Go Just Staff Where Happen Which Them Urgency Full Seriousness Things
Have you noticed that the meanest, shrillest, least compassionate and most heartless people who are well off and have all the medical coverage they'll ever need are seemingly sickened beyond cure by the notion that someone who literally cannot afford health care is somehow beneath contempt and must be vilified and humiliated? Richard Belzer
Health You People Care Humiliated Beneath Must Somehow Someone Seemingly Beyond Most Well Contempt Health Care Least Coverage Off Cure Heartless Afford Literally Cannot Meanest Noticed Notion Who Vilified Compassionate Ever Medical Need
There's a thin line between narcissism, even if it's a healthy narcissism, and entertainment. Richard Lewis
Entertainment Narcissism Healthy Between Line Even Thin
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. Richard Lewis
Funny Me Analyst Back Because Trying Quit Behind Help Therapy
Stephen Harper, who's the prime minister of Canada, he is saying that this - we have to give him a majority government, otherwise there will be a Separatist coalition. And he says it every minute. Rick Mercer
Government Saying Will Every Otherwise Says Minister Minute Give He Prime Prime Minister Majority Him Canada Coalition
Being attached to America these days is like being in a pen with a wounded bull. Rick Mercer
Pen Wounded Attached Days Like Bull America Being
When you're an experienced celeb - which I am - you sometimes just need a bit of space, when you're not 'on'. I'm always on! Rik Mayall
You Sometimes Space Bit Always Am Just Experienced Which Need
They gave each other a smile with a future in it. Ring Lardner
Smile Future Other Gave Each
The only real happiness a ballplayer has is when he is playing a ball game and accomplishes something he didn't think he could do. Ring Lardner
Happiness Game Think Something Only Could He Ball Ball Game Real Ballplayer Accomplishes Real Happiness Playing
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. Rita Rudner
Day Me Age Worth Husband Gave Paranoid Something More Head Day And Age Around Fake Than Maybe Want Neck Necklace
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. Rita Rudner
Mother Build Live Air Castles Neurotics Them
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. Rita Rudner
Me Prom Tell Would No-One Where Asked
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner
Care Parents Young Enough Take Take Care Know Still Children Want While Them
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. Robert Benchley
Pet Stretched Other Way One-Way Small Small Children Ideal Dogs Child Children Cannot Length Much Pulled Harm
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. Robert Benchley
Argument Party Fall Neither About Fact Somewhat Most Knows Talking Am Opponent Nor Impressive Owing Short Being Which
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