Quotes by Comedians

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns
You Money Unless Stay Make Bed
Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. Kevin James
Good Day Thanksgiving Man Good Day Pants Relatable
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. Milton Berle
Funny Thomas Thomas Edison Television Him Edison Lot Owe Candlelight Watching Watching Television
Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come. Ellen DeGeneres
Inspirational Truth You Soul Will Live Else Everything Earth Everything Else Out Find Put Come Person Your Who
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
Family Argument Nice Every Other Ate Restaurant Table Had Real Going Night
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. Johnny Carson
Health Food Day Man Smoking Sex Drinking Healthy Rich Gave He Know Himself Up Who Right
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. Chris Rock
Life Sometimes Stupidity Wish Rehab Way High Would Excuse Messed Messed Up Up Get Did Now Right
You don't pay taxes - they take taxes. Chris Rock
Government You Pay Take Taxes
Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. Eddie Cantor
Life You Enjoy Life Slow Sense Down Enjoy Only Scenery Miss Also Going Where Why Fast
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips
Me Kick Once Beat Computer Match Boxing Chess
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin
Time You People Job Somewhere Fire Enough Those Some Someone Over Know Said Proves Existence Very Close Get Done Just Want Themselves Set
Love who you are, embrace who you are. Love yourself. When you love yourself, people can kind of pick up on that: they can see confidence, they can see self-esteem, and naturally, people gravitate towards you. Lilly Singh
Love You Confidence Love Yourself Yourself People Kind Embrace See Pick Towards Self-Esteem Up Naturally Who Gravitate
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg
Dreams Sick Later Hook Following Up Goin Going Just Where Them Ask
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg
Saying Me Woman Mad Girlfriend Know
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. Demetri Martin
Love Me You Trust Women Dog Liar Pet Girl Met Cute Liars Bite Eat Some Park Had He Feel Name Like Know She Talking Does Said How Yeah Up Oh Oh Yeah Them Then Her Started
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx
Surgeon Father He She Looks Got Plastic Plastic Surgeon Her
I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do. Martin Lawrence
Life God Me You Learning Vision Opportunity My Life Mistakes Fall Down Back Back Up Hopefully See Bestowed Given He Most Blessings Learn Proud Still Truly Up Improve Get Next Next Thing Thing Strengthen
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright
Memory Sign Bad Clear Clear Conscience Conscience
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' Steven Wright
Me Book Build Would Someone Island How Were Boat Asked Stranded Desert Desert Island Bring
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. Bob Newhart
Music People Country Down Those Put Country Music Like For The People Denigrate Mean Means Who
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. George Burns
People Hair Country Busy Too Run Bad Driving Know How Cutting Who
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg
You Late TV Eat Something Catch Know Make Fish Go Fishing Just Want Then Show
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. Steven Wright
Me Ocean Would Would-Be How How Much Wonder Just Happen Much Grow Deeper
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright
People Late Stayed Poker House Got Up Tarot Tarot Cards Died Full Four Cards Last Playing Night Last Night
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. Groucho Marx
Good Library Book Somebody Say Television Must Find Minute Read Go Educational Very Turns Good Book
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Groucho Marx
Poverty Nothing State Extreme Extreme Poverty Way Up Worked
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