9522 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx

Animal Path Black Somewhere Crossing Cat Going Your

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright

Me People Heights Lot Afraid

I've accepted that we've all got crap to deal with and problems that we're fighting not to be defined by. At the end of the day, we all want the same stuff: fulfillment, love, support, comfort, and a hot-air balloon with laser guns attached to it. The most important thing is that we appreciate the crazy ride we're on. Zach Anner

Love Day Crazy Ride End Of The Day Problems Important Fighting Defined Guns Attached Support Stuff Most Most Important Thing Comfort Accepted Deal Got Important Thing Balloon End Same Same Stuff The Most Important Want Crap Fulfillment Thing Laser Appreciate

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx

Man Woman Wife Every His Behind Successful Successful Man Her

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. Josh Billings

Forgiveness Revenge Complete

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright

Time Breakfast Restaurant Renaissance French Any Ordered Toast Serve

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Steven Wright

You Experience Something Until Get Just After Need

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman

Happy Marriage Secret Remains The Secret Of Happy Marriage

If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that. Ellen DeGeneres

Love Environmental Kindness Fight Joy World Compassion Laughter Animals Energy Think Trees Our Definitely Destroying Hurting More Environment Powerful Stuff Another Got Very Contribute Want Need

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. W. C. Fields

You Bull Them Brilliance

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin

Death Together Church Own Separation Enough State Church And State Favor Both Idea Institutions Up Screw Them Us Certain Two

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx

People Alike All People Born Except Democrats Republicans Republicans And Democrats

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. Henny Youngman

Funny You First Succeed If At First Much Skydiving

I don't think anyone is ever writing so that you can throw it away. You're always writing it to be something. Later, you decide whether it'll ever see the light of day. But at the moment of its writing, it's always meant to be something. So, to me, there's no practicing; there's only editing and publishing or not publishing. Steve Martin

Day Me You Writing Editing Light Think Later See Something Only Throw Practicing Always Anyone Decide Whether Meant Meant To Be Moment Away Ever Publishing