Quotes by Comedians

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Rodney Dangerfield

Gay Big Out Find London Only He Cousin Clock Ben

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield

Father Picture Kid Carries Around Came His Wallet Who

People think because I can make them laugh on the stage, I'll be able to make them laugh in person. That isn't the case at all. I am essentially a rather quiet, dull person who just happens to be a performer. Rowan Atkinson

People Stage Think Laugh Able Case Rather Performer Make Because Am Dull Quiet Person Essentially Just Happens Them Who

I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state. Spike Milligan

Apologies are great, but they don't really change anything. You know what does? Action. Stella Young

Great You Change Action Know Does Anything Really Apology

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright

Time Saw Hour Said Bank Banking Much

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven Wright

Car Only Headlights Lights Like Looks Replaced Moving

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. Steven Wright

Time Young Sense Secret Staying Having No Sense

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. Steven Wright

Life Looking Think Everything Out See About General General Public Pointing Stuff Comedians Questioning Stop Public Even

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. Steven Wright

Setting Press Permanent How Get Irons Notice Ever

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. Steven Wright

Had Parts Use Ever Twins

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. Steven Wright

Thinking Indy Go Left Fast Earlier Watched

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright

Drive Too Worry Way About Cholesterol Fast

I have come to understand that my hatred of the gym was based on fear and prejudice, a tribal resistance to science, to improvement. But to ignore my aging physicality and not try and become the strongest and fittest I can be is curmudgeonly at best and wilfully ignorant at worst. Sue Perkins

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.' Tommy Cooper

Me You Cheese Hop Kitchen He French Well Said Got Waiter Yes Get Frog Legs Sandwich Asked

Life is much too serious to be taken seriously. Vicki Lawrence

Life Seriously Too Taken Much Serious