Quotes by Comedians

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. W. C. Fields
Animals Bad Hates Children Anyone Who
I like to turn things upside down, to watch pictures and situations from another perspective. Ursus Wehrli
Perspective Down Pictures Like Another Situations Upside Upside Down Turn Things Watch
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. Alexei Sayle
Motorcycle Women People Rich Fur More Safer Because Leather Opposed Than Harass Gangs Violently
Every single person, pretty much, is taught what they're supposed to do: go to school, get a job, find someone to love, get married, have kids, raise the kids, and then die. Nobody questions that. What if you want to do something different? Aziz Ansari
Love You School Job Single Every Kids Married Find Pretty Someone Something Nobody Supposed Single Person Go Questions Person Get What If Die Get Married Taught Different Want To Love Then Much Raise
If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries. Bill Hicks
Me You Lock Favour Arms Block Clinics Pro-Life Cemeteries Medical
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. Bill Maher
Rights Responsibilities Bill Bill Of Rights Need
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists. Bill Maher
People Free Country Sheep Out More More People Overrun Speaking Rebels Thinkers Need
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless. Billy Connolly
You Word Made Before Think Terrible Because Makes Redundant Been Blow Useless Rotten
I'm grateful for every stupid mistake and dumb joke I tried to make. Bo Burnham
Grateful Mistake Joke Stupid Every Tried Make Dumb
I've always loved the 'Weekend Update' people. Chevy Chase
People Weekend Always Update Loved
A man is only as faithful as his options. Chris Rock
Man Faithful Only His Options
Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light. Damon Wayans
Angry You Struggle Light Pilot Healthy Embrace Some Rather Than Use Your
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. Dave Chappelle
You People Old Must Something Like Know Doing Old People Right
If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. David Letterman
Personality Coffee
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. David Letterman
Time You Spring Fall Savings Back Out Daylight Like Robert Bed Forget Getting Then Forward
My best friend is the most important girl, outside of family, to me. I met her when I went to college and we bonded immediately. I'd do anything for her at any time. We phone each other every day. Dawn French
Time Best Day Family Me Every Day Phone College Girl Important Met Every Other Immediately Best Friend Outside Most Friend Any The Most Important Anything Each Her Bonded
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' Demetri Martin
Video Games Alone Me You Game Man Busy Other Hey Characters Super Guy Could Hospital Head Performing Like Got Leave Surgery Leave Me Alone Very Times Died Want Which Video Video Game Create Shot Games Help Who Playing Violent
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. Dennis Miller
Cheese Lying Wisconsin Washington Washington D.C.
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. Dennis Miller
Education You Problem System Out Only Know Begins Realize
If you take 12 waters from the coconut - not the ones you buy in the store, although that's good - but the fresh coconuts, the little brown ones with the three eyes, if you take 12 of those within 24 hours, your blood will go back to the way it was when you were born. Dick Gregory
Buy Good You Eyes Will Three Waters Back Way Those Born Brown Take Hours Although Within Fresh Go Were Blood Store Little Your Coconut
Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk. Dick Gregory
Mother Only The Only Thing Planet Coconut Milk Thing
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. Don Rickles
Funny People Some People Funny Things Say People Say Some Things
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive. Eddie Izzard
Positive People Power Believe Something Goodwill Just
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice. Eddie Murphy
Advice Would Someone Give Take Anyone
Becoming a police officer is a choice. It's not something you're born into. Franchesca Ramsey
You Police Born Something Police Officer Becoming Officer Choice
Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is. Garry Shandling
You Finish Line First Nice Finish Guys Know Line Where Then Nice Guys
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