Quotes by Comedians

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? Bob Hope
Good You Heart Sense Of Humor Humor Sense Laughing Hyena Heard Burn Ever
I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk. Craig Ferguson
Myself Me Worth Wait Think Alcohol Possibilities Minute Slowly Risk Dawned Got Doing Began Maybe Stop Stopped Sober
We must come to the point where we realize the concept of race is a false one. There is only one race, the human race. Dan Aykroyd
Must Only Point Come Concept False Human Where Race Realize Human Race
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' Demetri Martin
Hope You Fruit Problem Cause Move On Favorite No Problem Stuck Know Piece Another Because Always Get Move Just Crappy Next Grape Grapes Peach Apple Chance
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. Demetri Martin
Saying Sorry Except Same Apologize Funeral
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you. Dick Gregory
You Control Alcohol Took Market Out Caffeine Days Tanks Off Six Six Days Bring
I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man. Dick Gregory
Man Black King White Think Those Backside Licking About Martin Martin Luther Martin Luther King Martin Luther King Jr New Am Just Bigots Stamp Really Enjoying Luther
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Emo Philips
Life Good Day You Woman Every Day Little Things Money School Pay Older Every Later Stuff Like Until Lot Get Being Middle-Aged Little Things Appreciate
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips
Funny People Powers How How Many People Hand Many Here Raise
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. Emo Philips
Morning Wake Up Coffee First Other Tried Pot Had Hot Until Wake Up Get Oh Just Started
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. Emo Philips
Day Me Other Some New Well Got Underwear
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen
People Nothing Group Meet Individually Committee Done Decide Who
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. Fred Allen
You Heart Fruit Fly Three Enough Seeds Take Sincerity Still Place Room Hollywood Producer Navel
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. Fred Allen
Group Unnecessary Unprepared Unwilling Committee Appointed
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. George Burns
Good Together Ending Beginning Secret Possible Having Close The Secret Of Then Sermon Two
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. George Burns
Age Sex Pool Like Shoot Trying Rope
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. George Carlin
Doctor Better Building Located Something He New Felt Noticed Professional Away Right Right Away Recently
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin
Work Light Made Lamp Late Thomas Thomas Edison Seem More Had He Sure Edison Candle Urgent Worked Much Electric Electric Light Gas Night
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobel
Television Were Candlelight Electricity Watching Watching Television
Did you ever get the feeling that the world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes? George Gobel
You World Feeling Shoes Brown Get Did Tuxedo Pair Ever
There is no real security except for whatever you build inside yourself. Gilda Radner
You Yourself Build Whatever Security Inside Except Real Real Security
Birthdays are a reward for having shown up 365 days in a row. It's like getting a badge for attendance. Gina Barreca
Reward Birthdays Having Badge Attendance Days Like Up Getting Shown Row
Voting is super important, and your vote counts. GloZell
Vote Voting Important Super Counts Your
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. Groucho Marx
Politics Strange Marriage Make Does Bedfellows
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx
Alimony Horse Hay Like Dead Dead Horse Buying
Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx
Women Obscene Heard Should
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