Quotes by Comedians

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. Steven Wright

Accident Out Hospital Got Hit Just

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. Steven Wright

Arrested Karaoke

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. Steven Wright

People Power Yesterday Trapped Were Department Department Store Store Twenty

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. Steven Wright

Thought Reading Everything About Poem Poetry Dictionary

Hermits have no peer pressure. Steven Wright

Pressure Peer Peer Pressure Hermits

How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright

You Age Old Young Old Age How Die

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Steven Wright

Black Out Stuff Make Box Plane Whole Why

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. Steven Wright

Time Water Add One Time Some Instant Bought Know

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. Tommy Cooper

Funny Today Shopping Window Windows Bought Four

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. W. C. Fields

Water Drink Never Stuff Pipes

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. W. C. Fields

Me Woman Drink Never Had Drove Courtesy Thank Who Her

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. W. C. Fields

Money Morally Morally Wrong Allow Wrong His Sucker Keep

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. W. C. Fields

Today Ways Only Drink Real Sell Get Liquor Two

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. W. C. Fields

Lunch Cork Took Out Some Weasel

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted. Alan King

Morning Me Every Gave Nurse Took Drank One Morning Run Through Hospital Poured Had Like Said Juice Up Get Tube After Cloudy Again Little Them Held Even Apple Her Specimen

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat! Alan King

Every Summary Tried Eat Won Holiday Us Jewish

I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people. Bill Burr

Me You People Gemini Empathetic Weird Sadistic Most Sort Off Person Where Loving Meanest Really Thing

I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.' Bill Engvall

Hate People Signs Stupid Say Wear Stupid People Just Should

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out. Bill Hicks

Cold Bitter Out Cruel How Sound Am Mean

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal

Women Sex Men Just Place Reason Need

I would say don't take advice from people like me who have gotten very lucky. We're very biased. You know, like Taylor Swift telling you to follow your dreams is like a lottery winner telling you, 'Liquidize your assets; buy Powerball tickets - it works!' Bo Burnham

Buy Dreams Me You People Winner Advice Say Telling Would Follow Follow Your Dreams Take Like Know Tickets Biased Gotten Lottery Very Taylor Taylor Swift Your Your Dreams Who Swift Works Lucky Assets