Quotes by Comedians

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine

Family People World Older Think Colin Must Brother Five Either Chinese Them Younger Younger Brother Apparently Older Brother Dad Mum

When our bodies are sick and people extend their sympathy, bring us soup, offer up solutions. When our minds are sick, people tend to shy away from you, be afraid, or call you outright crazy. I'm fascinated by the way society and individuals view mental illness, and most of my shorts comment on that. Anna Akana

Crazy You People Society Sick Sympathy Our Minds Way Solutions Mental Mental Illness Tend Outright Individuals Most Call Soup Up Comment Offer Afraid Shorts Us Bodies View Fascinated Illness Away Extend Bring Shy

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. Bob Hope

Time Age Old Feel Nap Till Noon Anything

I'll always be a fat girl and I am happy with that. Dawn French

Happy Girl Always Am Fat

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' Demetri Martin

Today Hope Saying Day Morning You People Sometimes Behavior Decision Be Nice Nice Think Dressed About Chased Put Like For The Day Making Sneakers Get Really Your

Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don't have the ability to be lovable. Dick Gregory

Love You Love Is Dangerous Ability Very Lovable Just

There's a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live. Dick Gregory

God You Will Live Inside Gives Force

The status quo sucks. George Carlin

Status Status Quo Quo Sucks

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Groucho Marx

Me People Care Club Members Like Accepts Belong

Politics is just show business for ugly people. Jay Leno

Politics Business People Ugly Ugly People Just Show Show Business

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Jeff Foxworthy

You Own Lifetime Fireworks Redneck Goal May Stand Your

The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so. Josh Billings

People Trouble Know Much

In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by. Lucille Ball

Life Wisdom Good Good Things Come Hard Hardest Things

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. Mitch Hedberg

Saying You Flyer Someone Throw Like Hands Away Here

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. Mitch Hedberg

Me You People Sometimes Smart Free Wish Would Compliment Name Like Call Because Gotta Brain Maybe Notice Brian Even

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg

Book Every Kid Read Children

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

Type Nine Slower Fingers Had Missing Any

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg

Food Syrup Like Waffle Trap Pancake

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character. P. J. O'Rourke