Quotes by Comedians

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Philips
Worth Some Through Mornings Leather Chewing Just
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. George Burns
You Old Getting Old Down Else Could Know Tie Wonder Getting Stoop While Your
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. George Burns
Happiness Good You Woman Meal Good Meal Bad How How Much Handle Depends Much
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. George Carlin
Area Never Like Know Looks Sure Deserted
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' Jeff Foxworthy
Family You World Feeling State Minutes Fair Like Know Most Alright Because Go Five Going Dysfunctional Craziest Ever Near Start Royalty
One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness. Josh Billings
You Someone Beat Over Him Greatest Politeness Gain Victories
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way. Josh Billings
Best Fool Own Way Best Way He Wrong Him His Convince
Follow your heart. Do what you love. Because I was constantly struggling with that. If it's in your heart, go for it. Don't listen to other people. Maz Jobrani
Love You Heart People Follow Your Heart Other Constantly Follow Struggling Do What You Love Because Go Go For It What You Love Listen Your
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Mitch Hedberg
Day You Down Backpack Weak All Day Wearing Guy Like Trying Being Midget Really Turtleneck Strangled Bring
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. Robert Benchley
You Will Phobias Tell Afraid Us Your
We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins. Robin Williams
Had Cousins Years South Cloning
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Rodney Dangerfield
Day Library Man Face Reading Kid One Day Plenty Had Fell Blind Blind Man Pimples Woke Up Asleep
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright
Birthday Fight Out Put Got Same Room Them
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. Steven Wright
Out Find Get Going Whether
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. Steven Wright
Live One-Way One-Way Street Also Dead Dead End Sure Got How End Street
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. Steven Wright
Temperature Make Make A Difference Always Difference Room
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? Steven Wright
Rest Too Drown Swimmer
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' Steven Wright
You Down Hey Says Sign Locking Guy Open He Hours Said Got Yes Front Front Door Door Grocery Street Row
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. Steven Wright
Car Harmonica Way Out Window Only Stick Get Going Really Fast Play
The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift. Ellen DeGeneres
Happiness People Joy World Fear Judgment Shifting Think Corny Negativity Make Sounds Shift Lot Just Full Start Need
Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you? Fanny Brice
You World Will Think Later Sooner Sooner Or Later Know Because Forget Where Then Should Pose Posing
While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die - whether it is our spirit, our creativity or our glorious uniqueness. Gilda Radner
Life Me Creativity Gift Glorious Our Spirit Seems Only Allow Part Tragedy Die Whether While Us Uniqueness
Once we hit forty, women only have about four taste buds left: one for vodka, one for wine, one for cheese, and one for chocolate. Gina Barreca
Women Cheese Wine Once About Only Vodka Buds Left Hit Taste Chocolate Forty Four
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
Judge Married Wedding Jury Asked Should
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks. Jeff Foxworthy
People Colleges Guys Pick He Look Got Go Fishing Off Where Jesus
Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on. Jeff Ross
Life You Life Is Short Move On Pain Our Laugh Able Never Move Short
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