9550 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I think that one of the reasons why people look towards the end of humanity is that people are afraid to die alone. If you die alone, the people you love will miss you, or if they die, you miss them - the sorrow is inevitable. When you truly love someone, the thought of losing them forever is horrible. Joe Rogan

Love Alone You Humanity People Losing Will Thought Inevitable Think Horrible Someone Miss Miss You Towards Look Sorrow Truly End Forever Die Afraid Them Reasons Why

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams. Joel McHale

Dreams You Lie Way Dream About Unto Just Your Your Dreams

People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it. Joey Adams

Work Day People Trouble Pay Willing Week Still Want Honest

I think I may have become an actor to hide from myself. You can escape into a character. John Candy

Myself Character You Hide Become Think Escape May Actor

Your intention going in is to do the best you can. You go in and do your work, day to day, the best you can. But it's entirely up to the director and the editor and the producers and the studio how it turns out. John Candy

Work Best Day You Director Out Entirely Studio Day-To-Day Editor How Go Up Going Intention Producers Turns Your

I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression. John Oliver

Angry You Memory People Made Somewhere Active Kind Unpleasant Between Passive So Many People Blur Aggression Many Staring

I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior. John Oliver

Behavior Think Puns Wit Human Just Human Behavior Form Lowest Lowest Form

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?' Johnny Carson

When turkeys mate they think of swans. Johnny Carson

Turkeys Think Mate Swans

I accept you can't achieve perfection all the time, but you can achieve perfection of intent, maybe. I don't think you can go into a relationship with anything other than the intention of it being perfect. Jon Richardson

Time Relationship You Achieve Think Other Perfect Perfection Accept Go Than Intent Intention Maybe Being Anything

Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe. Josh Billings

Wisdom Learning Sleeps Everywhere Libraries Tiptoe Awake Wide Wide Awake

Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got. Josh Billings

Women Men Lost Got Mourn

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. Josh Billings

Genius Sense Enough Instinct Common Common Sense

Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected. Josh Billings

You People Advice Own Corrected Come Most Opinions Strengthened

I could say I'm a writer or that I'm a musician but I don't really do music; I do music to go with things I'm developing. Then I do act in a few things, but I'm not really an actor. I'm not a comedian, but I am known for comedy. I just don't know. I feel like I'm a slightly interdisciplinary jack of all trades. Julian Barratt

Music Comedy Few Say Slightly Musician Could Writer Developing Feel Like Comedian Know Known Am Trades Go Jack Few Things Just Then Really Act Actor Things

Writing can make you feel a bit psychotic. You create a world, and you're sitting inside it all day long, talking to people who are not really there. Julian Barratt

Day You People Writing World Long Bit All Day Inside Feel Make Talking Sitting Psychotic Create Really Who

I have a no-apology policy. Kathy Griffin

Policy

You think school ends when it ends, but it doesn't. Kevin James

You School Think Ends

The category I come closest to is 'lumberjack hipster.' Kyle Kinane

Come Category Closest

Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us. Larry Miller

I have this rule. It's called 'Top Dog-Underdog:' Underdog gets to make fun of Top Dog, but Top Dog can't make fun of Underdog. But you know what? You get Top Dog, you get to be Top Dog. Congratulations! And that dynamic happens not just in race but in many different ways. It's like the male-female dynamic. Larry Wilmore

It's nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes. Larry the Cable Guy

Quotes by Comedians