Quotes by Comedians

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. Demetri Martin
Breath Bad Bad Breath Term Another Balloon Holder
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin
Time Good Somebody Example Winner Month Both Employee How Loser Same Same Time Good Example
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' Demetri Martin
Me You Thought Sorry Else Someone Guy Park He Said Am Were Walking Then
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. Dennis Miller
Time Me First Born Born-Again Excuse First Time Getting Again Right
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship. Dick Gregory
Me Army Lost Down Charged Dollars Ship Goes Captain Navy Why Rifle
Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned. Dick Gregory
Hell Liberal Fury Hath Like Scorned
Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel. Don Rickles
You Struggling Never Know Because End End Of The Tunnel Tunnel Hard
Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule. Ellen DeGeneres
Faith School Sunday Important Single Christian Every Saw Rule Sunday School Week Part Most Most Important Thing Am Important Thing Scientist Yes Wall The Golden Rule Golden The Most Important Golden Rule Who Thing Raised
If I could marry my motorcycle, I'd roll her right up to the altar. Flip Wilson
Motorcycle Marry Could Altar Up Roll If I Could Her Right
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. Flip Wilson
You Humor Half Become Sick Humorous Missing Well Get Get Well Fun Cards
When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not. Flip Wilson
You Hot
It took me years to realize that 'normal' is actually super boring and that being myself was harder but infinitely more rewarding. Franchesca Ramsey
Myself Me Being Myself Took Boring Super More Years Normal Infinitely Rewarding Being Realize Harder Actually
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen
Life Dark Glasses Become Recognized Wears Well Well Known Known Celebrity Person Being Famous Then Hard Avoid Who Works
I'm all about showing people that I'm a little messed up, I have a lot of the same problems you have. By exposing myself and putting myself out there, people can relate to me and my act won't grow stale. I mean, nobody wants to hear a comedian say, 'Life is great.' Gabriel Iglesias
Life Myself Great Me You People Problems Relate Say Out About Putting Nobody Comedian Messed Messed Up Hear Lot Up Same Wants Little Mean Stale Act Showing Exposing Grow
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns
You Honesty Made Important Most Most Important Thing Got Fake Important Thing The Most Important Acting Thing
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. George Burns
Age Had Retirement Still Pimples Ridiculous
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. Groucho Marx
Book Laughter Reading Down Someday Picked Until Up Intend Laid Your Moment
Go, and never darken my towels again. Groucho Marx
Never Towels Go Again
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx
Music Justice Military
Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. Harpo Marx
Good Husband Before Marry Finds She Person Lovely Deserves Her Good Husband
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. Henny Youngman
Wife Back Way Everywhere Finding Take She Her Keeps
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. Henny Youngman
Me Mother Dope Living Knew She Selling Did Thinks
You can't be the dad who takes your kid out after your wife has said, 'No ice cream,' buys the ice cream, and says, 'Don't tell your mother.' You teach the child to lie - and to disrespect the other parent. Howie Mandel
You Lie Mother Wife Disrespect Other Kid Says Out Tell Parent Takes Said Child After Ice Ice Cream Cream Teach Your Who Dad Buys
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. Jay Leno
You Somebody Laugh Mad Stay Makes Who
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' Jay Leno
You Girl Yesterday Would Some Counter Like Said Fries McDonald
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. Jeff Foxworthy
God Home Family You Argument First Everybody Say House Friends Friends And Family Where Ever Lives Second Third
Load more quotes
About
Site pages
Top Quotes
Authors
Today's birthdays
Copyright © Quotesia 2025