9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I don't know a single person that's like, ''Avatar' is my favorite movie.' It never even comes up. I don't know anyone that will defend that movie. Chris Cubas

Will Single Favorite Favorite Movie Never Like Know Single Person Up Person Movie Anyone Avatar Even Defend

I was living in upstate New York, in Kingston - small town, no comedy scene except for my friends and I doing these DIY shows and whatnot. And we put together this thing called the 'Altercation Punk Rock Comedy Tour.' Chris Cubas

Together Comedy Punk Living Punk Rock Small Scene Except Tour Small Town Put New Town Rock Doing Friends York Whatnot New York Upstate Upstate New York Shows Thing

Put me on the Food Network - I'll be the funniest guy talking about food. I don't care. Chris Cubas

Food Me Care About Guy Network Food Network Put Talking Funniest

There's a difference between hiring writers and stealing jokes. Chris Cubas

Jokes Stealing Writers Between Hiring Difference

I definitely have friends who gave me a tag for a joke I already had. Like, 'Here's another line.' A tag is, 'Oooooh, it's an industry term.' It's like, there's the punchline, and a tag is like a secondary punchline. Chris Cubas

Me Joke Secondary Gave Definitely Tag Had Term Like Industry Another Line Friends Who Here

Being on 'Whitney' is a job, but stand-up is my life. I could never stop. There's an art to it. I love having strangers laugh with me, so as long as I can continue doing that, I'll be happy. Working on a show and collectively sharing ideas with a cast is great, but stand-up is my first love. Chris D'Elia

Life Love Art Great Me Be Happy Happy Job My Life Long First Strangers I Can Laugh I Love Collectively Having Cast Could Never Sharing Never Stop Ideas First Love Doing Continue Stop Being Working Show Whitney

I definitely am a performer, and there are different styles of stand-up; I mean, some people are writers and they get onstage to get jokes out, and that's definitely not what I do. I like to just go up and, if I'm telling a story about someone, I'll play his or her part. Chris D'Elia

Jokes People Some People Definitely Out Telling Some About Someone Onstage Writers Part Performer Like Styles Am Go His Up Get Just Different Story Mean Different Styles Play Her

I never really feel like just standing there and telling jokes. I want to move around. In fact, it's hard for me to write a joke where I don't end up on the ground for some reason. Hey, at least that way, I know no comics will steal my jokes. Too many bruises. Chris D'Elia

Me Jokes Will Joke Too Way Hey Telling Some Steal Fact Write Never Feel Like Know Around Least Comics End Up Move Just Where In Fact Want Really Hard Ground Reason Standing Many

I missed the boat when I was doing Late Night. Chris Elliott

Late Late-Night Missed Doing Boat Night

I'm not a competitive person. Chris Elliott

Person Competitive Competitive Person

I remember one time when all the nuns in my Catholic grade school got around in a semicircle, me and Mom in the middle, and they said, 'Mrs. Farley, the children at school are laughing at Christopher, not with him.' I thought, 'Who cares? As long as they're laughing.' Chris Farley

Time Mom Me Remember School Thought Long Christopher Nuns Cares Laughing One Time Him Catholic Around Said Got Grade Grade School Middle Children Who Who Cares

Once I thought that if I just had enough in the bank, if I had enough fame, that it would be all right. But I'm a human being like everyone else. I'm not exempt. Chris Farley

Human Being Thought Enough Else Everyone Everyone Else Once Would Would-Be Had Had Enough Like Exempt Fame Bank Human Just Being Right

Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it's a neighborhood story. Chris Farley

Everyone Neighborhood Madison Like Story Hollywood Treating

I was in the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a month. I'd work... on a treadmill and with the weights, but it was driving me nuts. So I escaped. Tom Arnold picked me up and we went to Le Dome and had tons of desserts. Chris Farley

Work Me Lose Once Month Desserts Nuts Pounds Had Driving Picked Weights Arnold Dome Up Escaped Trying Center Santa Santa Monica Tom Monica Treadmill Tons

I went down to Chicago to try to go into a place called Second City. I auditioned for that and got in pretty quickly, but I couldn't stop partying. They gave me a warning: 'If you do it again, we're gonna kick you off the main stage.' Chris Farley

I can't help it. I want to be a good Catholic, but I'm a hedonist. Chris Farley

Good Catholic Want Help

I went and worked for my dad after school. I'd show up late and stuff like that. Chris Farley

School Late Stuff Like Up After After-School Worked Show Dad

Comment threads are the new therapy for people. They just go and post the worst things they can think of because they feel bad, and then other people start attacking them, and then they attack back. Chris Hardwick

We're not in an information age anymore. We're in the information management age. Chris Hardwick

Age Management Anymore Information Information Age

Trying to make strangers laugh is crazy and more than a little narcissistic. Chris Hardwick

Crazy Strangers Laugh More Make Narcissistic Than Trying Little

Quotes by Comedians