Quotes by Comedians

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. W. C. Fields

New Year's Home Worry About Drink Driven Never Just Being

I couldn't believe that Donald Trump won. I couldn't believe that we elected an orangutan to front the country. Wanda Sykes

Country Believe Trump Won Donald Donald Trump Front Elected

I think the mistake a lot of people make with new media is they just focus on one thing. But any one thing - just doing podcasts or just having a website or just doing television - isn't enough anymore. Chris Hardwick

Website Mistake People Focus Think Enough Television One Thing Having New Make Doing New Media Lot Any Just Anymore Media Thing

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. Chris Rock

Innocent Gun Gun Control Control Every Think Thousand Cost Because Bullet Dollar Dollars Five Any Should Need

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching. Dave Chappelle

Yourself Be True Everybody True The Hardest Thing Hardest Hardest Thing Thing Watching

People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave. Dick Gregory

Life You Change People Diabetes Will Pressure Style Those High High Blood Pressure Brought About Leave Conditions Blood Blood Pressure

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that. Dick Gregory

Home Hate School Shame Never Had Learned Go

I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order. Eric Morecambe

Order Notes Right Necessarily Playing

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Henny Youngman

Glasses Out Drinks Bottle Over Still Eighty Grandmother Right Need

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers

Funny Me You Will Equal Partners Sixty Forty

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny God Bend He Put Over Diamonds Wanted Us Floor

Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance. Mel Brooks

Good You People Comedy Down Mussolini No Chance Because Does Get Just Rhetoric Anywhere Stand Bring Chance

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Good Wife Husband Good Wife Wrong She Always Forgives Her

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller

Thanksgiving Cooking Thought Kids Bad Commemorate Harbor Pearl Pearl Harbor

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller

Christmas Day Job Looking About Like Parties Office Next

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield

Me Wife Birds Kid About He Him Got Bee Butcher

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. Rodney Dangerfield

Family Pet Three Tree Looked Dogs Up Using Found

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan

Happiness Buy You Money Pleasant More Misery Does Form Bring

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. Stephen Fry

Me You Age Bladder Remind Need

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. W. C. Fields

Time Man Face Situation Must Tail Take He Bull Affairs

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. W. C. Fields

Women Own Like Look Women Are Want Elephants

As you navigate through the rest of your life, be open to collaboration. Other people and other people's ideas are often better than your own. Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you, spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life. Amy Poehler

Life Time You Change People Better Inspire Challenge Will Rest Own Group Other Spend Collaboration Find Through Open Ideas Lot Than Often Them Your Who Navigate

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning

Christmas Saying Once Batteries Kids Bought Toys Note Included Set

Did you ever spell a word so bad that your spell check has absolutely no clue what you're trying to spell? What do you end up getting, you end up getting, like, a question mark. You got a million dollars of technology just looking back at you like, 'You got me, buddy. Which is pretty amazing because I have all the words.' Bill Burr

Me You Technology Words Amazing Word Looking Looking Back Mark Spell Back Bad No Clue Pretty Absolutely Check Buddy Like Because Got Dollars Question Question Mark End Up Trying Did Getting Just Just Looking Which Clue Your Ever Million Million Dollars