9539 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I recognize that I have the ability to be selfish, but I also recognize that you can't be happy if you only care about yourself at the expense of other people. Russell Brand

You Be Happy Selfish Happy Yourself People Care Other Recognize Ability About Only Also Expense

Nothing is too controversial, but you have to think about how to do it with sensitivity. I don't try to be insensitive. I think really, really carefully about exactly what things mean and how they will affect people. Stewart Lee

You People Try Will Nothing Think Carefully Too Insensitive Exactly Exactly What About How Affect Controversial Sensitivity Mean Really Things

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. W. C. Fields

Life My Life Live Had Over

So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect. Ellen DeGeneres

Day Relationship Marriage Every Day People Not Knowing Live Every Drama Easier Bad Stay Staying Someone Like Know Knowing Comfortable Because Leaving Versus Expect So Many People Prefer Many Actually

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George Carlin

People Believe Authority Just Much Pope Who Many

I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation. Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting. Jim Carrey

You Learning Desperation Desperate Think Some Point Period Learn Without Human Human Beings Anything Interesting Ingredient Creating Beings Necessary

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. Les Dawson

Ride Space Roof Thought Moon Must Chariot Mars Void Put Towards Majesty Like Looked Jupiter Infinite Hang Heavens Wherein Across Toilet Zenith Ever Awe Watched Belts

Luck? I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else: Hard work - and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't. Lucille Ball

Work Hard Work Me People Opportunity Luck Else About Something Something Else Never Know Afraid Anything Realizing Hard Who

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. Mitch Hedberg

You Too Late Will Too Late Machine Mad Magnifying Glass Vending Get Front Candy Want Sized Fun Bars

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg

Severed Foot Ultimate Stocking

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. Mitch Hedberg

Me Once Saw Way Lift Forks Literal

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg

Long Too Slept Would Would-Be Ten Days Because

Think what evil creeps liberals would be if their plans to enfeeble the individual, exhaust the economy, impede the rule of law, and cripple national defense were guided by a coherent ideology instead of smug ignorance. P. J. O'Rourke

Ignorance Law Evil Ideology National Think Defense Liberals Rule Guided Rule Of Law Cripple Would Would-Be Individual Instead Economy Exhaust Smug Were National Defense Plans Coherent Creeps

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. P. J. O'Rourke

Parenting Discipline Parents Difficult Properly Because May Size

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Rodney Dangerfield

Morning Me Laughing Guys Could Put Underwear Hear

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

Life Food Age Sex My Life Mirror Table Kitchen Fact Kitchen Table Had Taken Put Over Just Where In Fact Place

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. Spike Milligan

Me Father Had He Influence Lunatic Profound

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. Steven Wright

Home Be Nice Nice Nursing Nursing Home Going Children After Your Choose

Quotes by Comedians