Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg
American Comedian
Born: Feb 24, 1968
Died: Mar 30, 2005
Go Good How Me People You
Related authors: George Carlin Groucho Marx Milton Berle Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield Steven Wright W. C. Fields
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. Mitch Hedberg
Addicted Blackjack Like Sitting Gambling Play
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg
You Man Car Way Tell Exactly About Headlights Know Look Coming Lot Any Which
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg
Back Remix Normal
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. Mitch Hedberg
Only Clean Dirty Dry Shirt Which Means
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Mitch Hedberg
Think Combination Soccer
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg
Lose Sick Caring Pen Pens Bought Because Always Got Not Caring
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. Mitch Hedberg
Once Saw Unnecessary Pyramid Very Human
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg
Life Women Sex Saved Heroine Addict Someone Who Need
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Mitch Hedberg
Time Every Assume Too Every Time Else Say Someone Shave Shaving Go Gonna Planet
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. Mitch Hedberg
Work Draw Kid Magnet Kitchen Make Sure
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. Mitch Hedberg
Fingers Whistle
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. Mitch Hedberg
Matter Too Hungry Eat Something Pieces How Am Noodles Spaghetti Them Many
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. Mitch Hedberg
You King Sorry Think Pen Williams Robin Robin Williams Making Am Go Up Disillusion Standing Here
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg
Funny Amazing Joke Cloud Top Head Wrong Came Off Why
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. Mitch Hedberg
Words Joke Adding Out Taking New New Ones Fix Gonna Last
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg
You People Say People Say Football Weird Like How Explain Ape Then Now
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg
Funny Me Jokes Been
No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones. Mitch Hedberg
Holding Cone Ice Cream
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