9543 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

No-one really feels self-confident deep down because it's an artificial idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously: you must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you. Russell Brand

Saying You Yourself People World Liberate Down Worried Relatively Must About Examined Drift No-One Self-Confident Idea Feel Feels Anonymously Because Around Doing Persecuted Artificial Really Deep Deep Down Watching

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan

Health Old Year Year-Old Fridge Eighteen Body Keep

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? Spike Milligan

You Come Quietly Going Use

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. Spike Milligan

Worn Perfect Order Anything Working

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes. Stephen Colbert

Best You Eyes Laughter National Down Medicine Our Say Would Entire More Steroids Gotta Antibiotics Than Psyche Regime Cream Then Your Swelling Keep Away Brings

I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly. Steve Martin

Perfectly Got Chimney Shot Works Now

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. Steven Wright

Wonderful Girl Met Clothes Putting She Escalator Buying

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. Steven Wright

Circular Neighbor Out Driveway He Get

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. Steven Wright

You World Impossible Perspective Say Insane About Seem Could Abstract Talk Pass Off Itself Trying Being Happen Place Explain Then Sane Show Things Basically

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress. Tim Allen

You People Stress Like Know Until Lot Really

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities. Tina Fey

Me Confidence Parents Ability Somehow Looks Thank Want Disproportionate Raising

The first purpose of comedy is to make people laugh. Anything deeper is a bonus. Some comedians want to make people laugh and make them think about socially relevant issues, but comedy, by the very nature of the word, is to make people laugh. If people aren't laughing, it's not comedy. It's as simple as that. Trevor Noah

Nature People Simple Comedy Word First Think Bonus Laugh Relevant Laughing Some About Purpose Comedians Make Issues Very Want Anything Them Deeper Socially

I'm not an abrasive person. I do speak my mind, but my goal is never to offend. I don't intentionally want to strike a chord. Trevor Noah

Speak Mind Strike Never Goal Offend Person Intentionally Want Chord

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years. Victoria Wood

Car Keys Everyone Once Those Throws Drove Know Parties Got Years Middle Where Room Who Car Keys

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart. Yakov Smirnoff

Heart Kind Bittersweet Spirit Human Size Act Measured Human Spirit

Let me think about the people who I care about the most, and how when they fail or disappoint me... I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself. Ze Frank

Quotes by Comedians