Quotes by Comedians

I hate reality shows that are not reality. Joan Rivers
Reality Hate Reality Shows Shows
So many large movies come to you with a huge marketing campaign and it's like you have to see this movie this weekend, otherwise you'll be culturally bankrupt and can't converse with your friends. Joe Cornish
You Otherwise Marketing See Weekend Come Like Campaign Huge Friends Bankrupt Movie Converse Movies Your Large Many
If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it? Joe Rogan
You Would About Talking Around Greatest Go Why
I owe it all to little chocolate donuts. John Belushi
Owe Donuts Little Chocolate
Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no! John Belushi
Nothing Hell Over Until Germans Decide Harbor Bombed Pearl Pearl Harbor
Back in Chicago, all we cared about was rock 'n' roll and staying out of the army. John Belushi
Army Back Out Staying About Rock Rock-N-Roll Chicago Roll Cared
The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust. Josh Billings
Time Best You Say Must Best Time Something Feel Hold Your Bust Tongue
Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread. Josh Billings
Wisdom Honesty Honesty Is World Wealth Possess Rarest Lawful Tender Anyone Bread Loaf
Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done. Josh Billings
Sense Ought Seeing Knack Doing Done Common Common Sense Things
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. Josh Billings
Buy Good Dog Money Will Pretty Pretty Good Tail Wag His
The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease. Josh Billings
Wisdom Loudest Gets Wheel Grease
I am comfortable with myself, and this is how I am. I am not really interested in having an acrimonious fight with somebody. Joy Behar
Myself Fight Somebody Having Comfortable How Am Interested Really
As American as an apple is and as American as baseball is, they don't go together. You can't be chewing an apple at a baseball game. You've got to let go of the diet that day. Kevin James
Day You Game Together Got Go Chewing American Diet Let Go Baseball Baseball Game Apple
I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware of it. You don't need a sign to tell anybody about it. Larry the Cable Guy
Time Me You Doctor Awareness Saw Sign Tell One Time About Week Sure Said Got Office Anybody Aware Need
I'm saying, Come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then? Larry the Cable Guy
Saying Back Melt Dinosaurs Driving Come Global Global Warming Around How Did Ice Warming Then Ages Thing
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't. Lenny Bruce
Art You Man Comedy Try Laughter Three Laughs Only Take Hour Fake Art Form Form Away Honest
Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. Lewis Black
Sky Cloud Playwright Jigsaw Jigsaw Puzzle Sight Puzzle Like Pieces Equivalent Doing Blue Blue Sky Being
Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. Lewis Black
Parenting Own Child Just Your
You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. Lewis Black
Life Alone Time You Facebook People Post My Life Live Photo Tell Seem Doing Endless Lives
One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. Lewis Black
You School Important Important Things Interview Those Tell Charge Most Dealing Idiots Leaving Lot Off Person Going The Most Important Want Realize Really Things
There is no casting director; there is no producer monitoring your upload button. Anyone that looks like anyone can upload a video. I think YouTube and the digital space does set a really good example for the rest of the industry in that sense. Lilly Singh
Good Director Space Digital Rest Example Sense YouTube Think Casting Like Looks Industry Does Anyone Video Producer Really Your Good Example Button Monitoring Set
You see much more of your children once they leave home. Lucille Ball
Funny Home You Once See More Leave Children Much Your
The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide. Margaret Cho
Class Hide Wish Employment Cloak Effective Any Might Lower Lower Class Incognito Dagger
My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex - ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant. Margaret Cho
Together Sex Free Become Live Intolerant Both Boyfriend Which Means Now Milk Ever
I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because that's been said to me. Maria Bamford
Me Fear Own Characters My Own Voice Through Because Said Been Irritating Express Things
Be kind. It feels good. Maz Jobrani
Good Be Kind Kind Feels
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