457 Jokes Quotes for You to Enjoy

I don't know how to tell a joke. I never tell jokes. I can tell stories that happened to me... anecdotes. But never a joke. Lucille Ball

Me Jokes Joke Tell Anecdotes Never Know How Stories Happened

I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a situation beyond their control is not funny to them or their families. Maria Shriver

Funny Myself Jokes People Control Situation Think Funny Person Consider About Like Beyond Make Making Families Person Just Them Who

If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father. Mary Todd Lincoln

You Jokes Father Somebody Like Making Shoot Going Keep

I like smart jokes, I like dumb jokes, and I like dumb jokes done smartly. Mike Myers

Jokes Smart Like Dumb Done

I've done a lot of death cartoons - tombstones, Grim Reaper, illness, obituaries... I'm not great at analyzing things, but my guess is that maybe the only relief from the terror of being alive is jokes. Roz Chast

Death Great Jokes Guess Analyzing Alive Relief Cartoons Obituaries Only Terror Lot Done Maybe Being Grim Reaper Illness Things

I had, like, 11 jobs. I've been fired 11 times! 'Cause I'm not cut for that. You know, I was a great employee, man. Everybody loved me coming to work - I'm singing, tellin' jokes on the assembly line. I was miserable, man. I was dying. I was dying. Steve Harvey

Work Great Me You Man Jokes Cause Miserable Singing Everybody Jobs Fired Had Like Employee Know Coming Line Been Times Dying Loved Cut Assembly Assembly Line

I tell jokes for a check; I'm on TV for a check. Steve Harvey

Jokes Tell TV Check

The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. Tom Lehrer

I'm pretty goofy. I laugh at my own jokes. Abby Wambach

Jokes Own Laugh Pretty My Own Goofy

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality. Adam Carolla

Art Jokes Reality People Comedy Every Think Evolved Telling More Like Around Art Form Form Less Standing Things

I always wanted to be a comedic actor - that's what I wanted from the job - to do comedy and to create my own comedy. But I still love doing stand-up and will probably be doing it forever. I'd love to be an old guy who can't really walk, can't really stand-up, and I have to sit on the stool and tell jokes. Adam DeVine

Love Jokes Comedy Walk Old Will Job Sit Own Tell Guy My Own Comedic Always Still Doing Forever Stool Wanted Old Guy Create Really Who Actor

The most fun I ever have is sitting in with Rick writing, and we laugh at our own jokes. Adrian Edmondson

Jokes Writing Own Our Laugh Most Sitting Rick Fun Ever

I grew up in rural Ireland; we only had a few TV channels and had never even heard of sketch shows, but it was completely natural for me to tell jokes and stories. Aisling Bea

Me Jokes Natural Few Channels Tell TV Rural Only Never Had Heard Up Ireland Grew Stories Sketch Even Shows

I like Jacques Derrida; I think he's funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that offends other philosophers; they think he's not taking things seriously, but he comes up with some marvellous puns. Why shouldn't you have a bit of fun while dealing with the deepest issues of the mind? Alan Moore

Funny You Jokes Seriously Mind Few Think Other Philosophers Philosophy Bit Puns Some Marvellous He Taking Like Know Dealing Issues Up Offends Jacques While Fun Why Deepest Things

My dad died right after performing at the Friars' roast for Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. I have that tape somewhere. There's still a lot of good jokes in there. I mean, that was 1958. Albert Brooks

Good Jokes Somewhere Roast Performing Ball Still Tape Lot Died After Mean Lucille Lucille Ball Dad Right

My brothers and I grew up in a time where talking, storytelling, telling jokes was sometimes all you had. It wasn't like today, with so many options and portability. Alec Baldwin

Today Time You Jokes Sometimes Telling Brothers Had Like Talking Up Options Where Grew Storytelling Many

I was really enjoying one of the screenings of 'Beautiful Creatures' and there was this little 14-year-old boy sitting next to me in the screening and I was laughing at all the jokes and I just felt really judged. I had to keep it down a bit. It's a bit embarrassing. Alice Englert

I'm sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power. Alice Walker

Jokes People Power Those Sure American American People Butt

Obviously, guys don't deal with the same level of criticism if they show off their bodies. Russian President Vladimir Putin literally staged a goofy shirtless photo shoot to show the people of Russia how 'handsome' and 'fit' he is. No one questioned his ability to lead a country as a result, although a lot of people did crack jokes about it. Ana Kasparian

Jokes People Result Criticism Country Show Off President Photo Photo Shoot Ability About Russia Russian Guys Lead No-One He Putin Goofy Obviously Although Deal How His Lot Off Fit Questioned Crack Shoot Did Same Handsome Same Level Literally Staged Bodies Show Level

JaVale McGee is one of the smartest guys I know. Like, he's a nerd, plays with gadgets, and is into technology. He's funny - he's got crazy jokes, and his timing with jokes is really funny. You have to be really smart to think the way he does. Andre Iguodala

When you're reinterpreting the same material eight shows a week, it's impossible to lock in the 'ideal' performance. Things that felt great in previews can feel forced three months in; jokes that got big laughs in the rehearsal room may suddenly fall flat in front of a paying audience. Andrew Keenan-Bolger

Great You Jokes Impossible Three Big Fall Months Lock Laughs Preview Week Feel Ideal Performance Forced Felt Audience Got Material Same Front May Eight Flat Room Paying Rehearsal Shows Suddenly Things

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