9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

About every four years, someone says to me, 'I've got a friend who looks exactly like you.' What can you say to this? Arthur Smith

Me You Every Say Says Exactly About Someone Like Looks Got Years Friend Who Four

Theatricals can be irritating, but will provide a better night out than mobile phone salespeople. Arthur Smith

Phone Better Will Out Provide Mobile Salespeople Than Irritating Night

When they meet a stand-up comic, people sometimes remark: 'That must be the hardest job in the world.' Among comedians, only Freddie Starr is not embarrassed and slightly appalled by this remark. Arthur Smith

People World Sometimes Job Meet Slightly Embarrassed Must Only Remark Comedians Comic Stand-Up Comic Appalled Among Hardest

Sometimes it's bad to do something you've never done before. Arthur Smith

You Sometimes Before Bad Something Never Done

Acting in a stage play is like working the evening shift in an office. Arthur Smith

Stage Like Shift Office Stage Play Working Acting Evening Play

I've noticed that my resolutions involve me not doing stuff that I wasn't going to do anyway so here's something more positive. I'm going to retrain as a Latin teacher in a provincial public school. Arthur Smith

Positive Teacher Me School Latin Something More Stuff Involve Doing Provincial Going Anyway Public Noticed Public School Here Resolutions

Global warming, the ongoing destruction of the planet, Third World debt, the uselessness of the railways, the takeover by the corporations, the scary George Bush person: all these things are important and should be animating me into outrage. Yet somehow they do not. Arthur Smith

Me World Destruction Important Corporations Scary Somehow Ongoing Outrage Animating Takeover Global Global Warming George George Bush Debt Person Bush Warming Planet Should Railways Things Third Third World

I'm an armchair kind of guy, especially when it's raining, which it always is and always will be. Arthur Smith

Will Kind Guy Armchair Always Which Raining

Someone once described me as the Zelig of comedy, and I think I know what he means. Arthur Smith

Me Comedy Think Once Someone He Know Means

I've always been interested in art. Arthur Smith

Art Always Been Interested

I have a suspicion that a lot of artists are trying to get a laugh but, unlike stand-ups, they don't get an immediate response from their audience; a laugh is a rare thing in a gallery. Arthur Smith

Rare Unlike Immediate Immediate Response Laugh Response Rare Thing Audience Lot Get Trying Artists Suspicion Gallery Thing

After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.' Aziz Ansari

Myself You Sometimes Joke Few Say One-Night No Idea About Crowd Absolutely Take Wrong Idea Know Look Obviously Well Talking Although Material Bunch Times After Then Worked Really Hard Hard Look Works Flop Night

Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you. Aziz Ansari

You People Become Once Stuff Comedian Accept Yell Going Just

I'm always down to try a new burger, but Shake Shack is still my top. What makes them so special is for the bread they use Martin's potato rolls which is just the best hamburger buns ever. Aziz Ansari

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that. Aziz Ansari

Time You Hate Comedy Humor Sex Every Other Every Time Dancing Kind Cheap Stuff Like Know Comedians Well Because Around Always Audiences Doing Traditional Lot Very Done Just Clubs Really Base

I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun. Aziz Ansari

Too Those Table Dishwasher Places Japanese Cook Your Fun

After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times, and then one night it'll flop. Aziz Ansari

You Sometimes Joke Few One-Night Know Although Material Bunch Times After Then Worked Works Flop Night

Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever. Aziz Ansari

Time Myself People Single Whatever Busy Difficult Meeting Schedules Like Know Most Texting Up Games Even Included Difficult Time

I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love. Aziz Ansari

Love Myself Consider About Weirdly Optimist

You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on. It's the hardest thing. Aziz Ansari

You Rely He Hour Comedians Concert Go His Hits Any The Hardest Thing Jay-Z Whole Hardest Hardest Thing Thing Plays

Some comedians will tour and do these classic bits all the time. But now with YouTube and Comedy Central, people see your stuff, and they don't want to hear you do that again. Aziz Ansari

Quotes by Comedians