9550 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.' Gilbert Gottfried

You Comedy Old Will Mask Picture Nowadays Other Say Laughing Would Insensitive Find Masks Like Look Crying Looks Felt Always How Tragedy Up Very Roommates Two

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it. Gilbert Gottfried

You Internet Spend Find Something Another Erase Just Means

Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Gilda Radner

Beginning Some Clear End Middle Stories

If you know you can do it - if you can already chart every day in your future - then why bother? Choose to do something you have more trouble imagining. Take a chance. Gina Barreca

I regard other women as my community, not my competition. Gina Barreca

Women Competition Community Other Regard

Appreciate your body now. One day, you'll look back and regret all the time you wasted worrying about not looking perfect, because you were perfect the whole time. GloZell

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. Gracie Allen

Teacher Family Class Intelligence School Smart Runs Years Five

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow. Gracie Allen

Today Tomorrow President Postage Just Stamp

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. Groucho Marx

Old Year Bet Glad He Got Year-Old Brain Rid Four

She has a wash and wear bridal gown. Henny Youngman

Wear She Gown Bridal Wash

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. Henny Youngman

Girl She Match Hips

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. Henny Youngman

Men Before Wives Die Want Why Jewish

Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell. Howie Mandel

Life Getting Older Older Our Everything Kid Out Tell Running Runs Had Course Were Lot Getting Stories Happened

You can go home with a lot of money with absolutely no skill. Howie Mandel

Home You Money Absolutely Go Go Home Lot Skill

I was kind of a misfit, actually. When you're young, you want to be like everybody else, and I was like nobody else. I couldn't sit still. I was impulsive. I still am. What is now called a 'talent' did not serve me well as a child. I didn't have friends. I was really an outcast. Howie Mandel

Me You Sit Young Everybody Everybody Else Else Kind Outcast Nobody Nobody Else Talent Like Well Am Still Friends Child Did Impulsive Want Really Now Serve Actually

I think the solution to making this world better is if we would just be healthy, mentally. Howie Mandel

World Better Healthy Just Be Think Would Solution Mentally Making Just

Modesty is my best quality. Jack Benny

Best Quality Modesty

The jokes are great but what really matters for a comedian is his performance, his whole attitude, and the laughs that he gets between the jokes rather than on top of the jokes. Jack Dee

Attitude Great Jokes Matters Top Laughs Rather He Performance Between Comedian His Than Gets Really Whole

In many ways, not fitting in has been a comedic asset and a comedic resource. Jack Dee

Resource Ways Has-Been Comedic Been Fitting Fitting In Many Asset

The book is called 'Thanks for Nothing' and it's really the story of how I got into comedy and traces back every strand in my life that is relevant to that story. It's kind of an autobiography but isn't, as it stops about 25 years ago. It goes right up to the first time I do stand up. Jack Dee

Life Time Book Comedy My Life First Thanks Nothing Every Back Relevant Kind About Traces First Time Got How Years Years Ago Up Goes Autobiography Stops Story Really Strand Stand Stand Up Right

Quotes by Comedians