Quotes by Comedians

Being a Chicano in Hollywood, my experience is that you're not given credit for any sophistication... You're just kind of some guy that just crossed the border, you know, on the back of a truck and that's it. Cheech Marin

You Experience Back Kind Border Some Crossed Guy Given Truck Sophistication Know Any Just Being Just Kind Hollywood Credit

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute! Chelsea Handler

I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense. Chelsea Handler

When I was little, people would ask what my favorite color was, and I never knew. I find it's really hard to make decisive 'best' answers on what the 'best' of something is. Chelsea Peretti

Best People Favorite Would Find Something Color Never Knew Make Answers Decisive Little Ask Really Little People Hard

People... need a time to laugh. It's up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, 'I may be bad, honey, but I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy on the screen.' Chris Farley

I want to live fast and die young. Chris Farley

Young Live Die Want Fast

You enter strong and you exit strong, and you're going to be OK. Chris Farley

You Strong OK Enter Exit Going

I signed on as the clown, and, by golly, I'll keep up my end of the bargain. Chris Farley

Clown Signed End Up Bargain Keep

New York was scary, coming from the Midwest. At first, I thought I'd come in all cocky, like, 'I'm gonna bring this town to its knees!' After about a month, I was like, 'I wanna go home.' Chris Farley

Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes. Chris Farley

Character Only Volumes Him Just Different Play Basically

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man. Chris Rock

Man School White Blacks Invented Were Stolen

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either. Colin Quinn

Life You Worth First Living Say Ancient Worth Living Ancient Greeks Out Tell Examined Course Were Greeks Either Fascinating Found

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me. Craig Ferguson

Me Physics Other Rules Out Laws Never Than Worked Really

The beautiful thing about having family that has diabetes is knowing what not to do. I got an uncle that thinks insulin is supposed to enable him to eat cake. Damon Wayans

Beautiful Family Cake Diabetes Uncle Eat About Having Supposed Beautiful Thing Knowing Him Insulin Enable Got Thing Thinks

And, I believe that if a man dies with a single penny still sitting in the bank, he's a fool. Dan Aykroyd

Man Fool Penny Single Believe He Still Sitting Dies Bank

It is a little bit demoralizing to work a show, and you just try so many times to get something, and the creator just keeps saying, 'No, not that.' Then they just instantly come up with something. Dan Mintz

I was not in 'Iron Man 2,' but I take a daily iron supplement. Dana Carvey

Daily Man Take Supplement Iron Iron Man

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! Dave Attell